Bloke went to the doctor and said: "doctor, you've got to help me, I think I've got Tom Jones Syndrome, I can't seem to stop singing The Green Green Grass of Home".

"Oh, don't worry," the doctor replied, "it's not unusual."

A vicar was on his way home when he inadvertently strayed into a red light district. He passed the entrance to an alleyway from where he heard a man's voice ask: "how much for a blowjob?" and a woman's voice reply: "fifty quid." The vicar was somewhat bemused but thought nothing more of it until, five minutes later, he passed another alleyway and heard another man ask the same question and get the same response. The vicar was now quite intrigued as he had no idea what a blowjob is. Then he thought: "ah, I know, I'll stop off at the abbey and have a word with the Reverend Mother, she might know." When he got to the abbey, he went into the Reverend Mother's room and said: "Reverend Mother, may I ask you a question?" "Of course," the Reverend Mother replied. "What's a blowjob?" asked the vicar. "Fifty quid," the Reverend Mother replied, "same as it is in town."

Me, “Gravity is a fundamental law of nature”
Mate, “Ah but what if you took it away?”
Me, “you will have Gravy!”.

Me, “Whoever invented the knock knock joke should get an award”
Mate, “what award do you think?”
Me, “ Errr, perhaps the no bell price!”

Me, “are you rearing a lot of cattle?”
Cowboy, “I have many calves at my ranch, once older they will be ready for the market”
Me, “are you raising the steaks!”
Cowboy, “that joke wa. . . “
Me, “was, well done!”

Wife, “you’re getting very cocky lately”.
Me, “ perhaps there is a magic medicine to stop it”.
Wife, “I am going see the Doc, perhaps there is an anti-bragging cream”.
Me, “Can’t wait to rub it in!”.

5 ants, rent a flat with another 5 ants......
Now they are tenants!

Denver Broncos

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are having a pint down to pub. A fly lands in the Englishman's pint. With a look of disgust he takes the pint back to the bar and returns with a fresh pint. A fly lands in the Scotsman's pint. He reaches in and pulls it out and continues to drink it. A fly lands in the Irishman's pint. He reaches in, pulls the fly out of his pint and says, "Spit it out, ya filthy bastard."

Me, “Gravity is a fundamental law of nature”
Mate, “Ah but what if you took it away?”
Me, “you will have Gravy!”.

What do you call a truck load of vibrators?
Toys for twats 😆😆😆

Me, “I can make a pun out of anything”
Mate, “it’s not possible to make a pun out of vegetables”
Me, “That isn’t nececelery so”

A man walks into a bar.

On the bar was a large glass jar full of money, with a note on it saying "if you go out back & make my horse laugh you win the jar"

The man goes to see the horse, comes back, the barman sees the horse laughing the man wins the jar.

Some time later the man returns to the bar & a similar jar was there but the note read "if you go out back & make my horse cry you win the jar"

Sure enough, the man went out back, returned with the horse crying.

He collected the prize & was heading for the door, the barman called out "how did you win the first jar".

The man replied "I whispered into your horses ear that my dick was bigger then his"

"well ok, but how did you make my horse cry" the barman asked.

The man replied "I showed him".

Me, “Here you are darling wife, a nice cup of tea”. . . .

Grandson, “Grandad after 65 years, you still call grandma darling, beautiful or honey, what’s your secret?”
Me, “well sonny, it’s got nothing to do with love, I forgot her name years ago & I’m to scared to ask her what it is”

Mate, “I have a date tonight, apparently she is 6’6” tall”
Me, “I bet you can’t wait 2 meter”

Me, "Did I ever tell you I grew up on a house boat & dated the girl next door?"
Mate, " No , what happened?"
Me, "We drifted apart!"

What’s better than 4 roses on a piano?
2 lips on an organ 😂

NEWSFLASH: A prison bus and a cement truck have collided. The prisoners have escaped. The public is warned to be on the lookout for twelve hardened criminals! 🙂

How, about giving Admin some support 🤷‍♀️

👉 /blogs/55554.html 👈

Life's like a corndog. Nobody wants your wiener unless you've got bread.

Mate, “I have been told you have some new tattoos on your arms & shoulders”
Me, “yes only outlines so friends can colour them in”
Mate, “that’s odd”
Me, “now and then, everyone needs a shoulder to crayon”.

Not wearing a mask because of a big nose is no excuse, I still wear underwear!

Me, "I am going to invent a breast implant, that plays music"
GF, "Oh and why is that"
Me, "well your always complaining I keep staring at boobs & dont listen!"

Me, “ you ok mate, you sound a bit odd?”
Mate, “I accidently got spray deodorant in my mouth”
Me, Ah that will explain the weird axe sent!”

Doctor: Sir, you must stop masturbating. Me: Is it because I will go blind?. Doctor: No, it´s because you need to keep still while I´m examining you

Went to the doctor, spent half an hour in the waiting room. Doctor: what seems to be the problem. Me: I have this terrible farting problem and just can´t stop, but at least they are silent so nobody notices. Doctor: Ah yes, you need a hearing aid