A Scotsman named Angus McConnell gets into his bottles quite hard one night at the pub. At closing time he begins staggering home.

Before he gets home, however, he is overcome by a strong urge to rest, so he lies down beside the road and falls into a deep stuporous sleep.

Shortly after, three bonny lasses come by and espy Angus snoring quite soundly by the roadside.

"Look!" says one of the lasses. "It's Angus McConnell! Now, I've always wondered what he has under that kilt of his!"

One of the other lasses says, "Let's have a look, shall we? I'm sure he won't mind!"

They lift his quilt and are all quite impressed.

After oohing and aahing a bit, one of the lasses pulls out a piece of blue ribbon, ties it around Angus' member, and the three lasses then proceed on their way.

In the morning, Angus awakens and feels the need to relieve himself. He lifts his kilt to go, and much to his surprise, he sees the blue ribbon tied around his manhood.

"I don't know what we did last night, lad," he exclaims, "nor where we went, but it looks like we took first prize!"

Here’s a shitty joke:

A drunk staggers out of a bar and into a nearby cathedral.
He eventually stumbles his way down the aisle and into a confessional.
After a lengthy silence, the priest asks, "May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno" comes the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"

I got cut off by a taxi driver last week. I was walking through town today and I saw him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank.
I got in the first taxi in the queue and said "How much to the station?" "$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.
"That's disgusting" he said "Get out of my cab"
I got in the second taxi and said "How much to the station ?".
"$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.
"I'm not having any of that" he said "Get out of my cab"
I worked my way down the line, getting thrown out of each taxi in turn, until I came to my target at the back of the queue.
"How much to the station?". "$5" said the driver.
"Ok" I said "Let's go"
As we pulled out and overtook the other taxis I wound the window down and gave all the other drivers a thumbs up with a big grin on my face!!
😊 👍 😊

A beautiful blonde was on a flight to Toronto when she got out of her seat in economy, went up to first class, and sat down. A flight attendant noticed this and approached her.

"Ma'am, I need to see your ticket, please."

The blonde showed her the ticket and it clearly showed she belonged in economy class.

"Ma'am, your ticket shows you have a seat in economy. I am going to have to ask you to return to it."

The blonde looked at her and said, "I'm beautiful, I'm blonde, and I'm flying to Toronto." She then crossed her arms and remained seated.

Seeing this, the flight attendant went to the cockpit, where she told the flight crew about the blonde in first class.

The co-pilot said, "I'll handle this," and he went back to first class.

"Ma'am, the flight attendant asked you to go back to your seat in economy. I'm asking you now: please return to your seat."

The blonde again crossed her arms and said, defiantly, "I'm beautiful, I'm blonde, and I'm flying to Toronto."

A bit discouraged, the co-pilot returned to the cockpit and told the captain what had transpired. The captain said, "I'll talk to her. My wife is blonde, so I speak Blonde."

He then went back to first class while the flight attendant and the co-pilot watched.

The captain leaned down and whispered something into the blonde's ear. She looked surprised and said, "Oh! I'm so sorry!" She then got up and returned to her seat back in economy.

Curious, the flight attendant and co-pilot asked the captain what he had whispered into the blonde's ear.

"I told her first class doesn't go to Toronto."

If you’ve ever wondered why men fart more than women…..

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What’s the difference between a priest and a rabbi?

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What's the difference between an egg and a wank?

Three guys were discussing how to please their wives...
The Italian says "After we make love, I cover her with little chocolates, and when they melt from her body heat, I lick them off. She loves it!"
The Frenchman says "After love, I cover her with rose petals, then gently blow them off. It drives her wild!"
The American says "After we're done doing it, I go wipe off on the curtains. She goes nuts!"

birth control,down the hatch, not up the snach.

What do a blind gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
They both have wet noses

Man in a bar is showing off his apple. If you bite it on the front, it tastes like an apple, but if you bite it on the back it tastes like an orange. Guy beside him: pshaww, that´s nothing. My apple tastes like a pussy. Don´t believe me, try it out. So the other guy takes a bite, spits it out and says: yeuch it tastes like shit! First guy: oops, you bit the wrong side

Two guys were living in the same apartment building in identical flats. The first guy visits the second one and sees that he just painted his flat and it looks great.
"This looks amazing" the first guy says and asks how many cans of paint he bought. The second guy says he bought seven.
The next day the first guy drives to the store, buys seven cans of paint and starts painting his flat. After a few hours he finishes the whole thing but he realises that he used only three cans of paint.
He calls the second guy: "Hey man I've just finished painting the whole place, but I've used only 3 cans of paint and I have 4 left!"
Second guy - "Yeah, me too!" 😎

HAVING A SISTER
The son asked, “Hey dad, why is my sister’s name Teresa?”
“Well, your mother named both of you after things she was most fond of, which in her case was Easter. And when you rearrange the letters you get Teresa.”
“Alright, thanks dad..”
Dad replied, “No problem Alan!”

I took a Viagra pill this morning.
It got stock in my throat.
I've had a stiff neck for hours.

What time is it when a Lion walks into the room? Time to leave

From my shits and giggles blog,//// THE CANDY BAR JOKE 😄😄😄 One day MR.Goodbar wanted a Bit-of-Honey so he took MS.Hershey behind the Power House on 5th Avenue were he began to fill her Mounds which were Almond Joy.She let out a Snicker as his Big Hunk slid up here Milky Way.The results were a Baby Ruth.

This if funny!

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I had a knock on my door earlier.. I answered it, I opened my door and it was the invisible man, I had to tell him that I couldn't see him today

what do you call it when a chameleon can't change colors????

that's a reptile dysfunction and the damn and the damn thing

What is the difference between a crack dealer and a crack hoer. The crack hoer can wash her crack and sell it again.

Don’t be distracted by the content presenter hamming it up at the top of the screen, the joke is funny!

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Enjoy!

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There’s approximately 12 jokes with answers on this video. The last joke was; what’s the difference between an Apple Watch and a large penis? The video ended there and without the answer so if anyone knows, please post. Thank you!

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What’s long black and smells like shit?

The unemployment line

The Beckhams, bless them, named one of their kids Brooklyn, apparantly that's where he was conceived.

Lucky for him he wasn't conceived in Basingstoke.

A joke involving BALLS! Enjoy!

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When we wanted to see bones, we invented the x-ray.

When we wanted to see a prenatal baby, we invented the ultrasound.

When we wanted to see the brain, we invented the MRI.

Why, then, is a finger up the ass really necessary for a prostate exam?