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Tell Us A Joke

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Started by #423718 [Ignore] 26,Feb,14 03:52
Tell Us A Joke, Make Us Laugh....

New Comment       Rating: 5  

By leopoldij [Ignore] 21,Jun,22 15:08 other posts 
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, Hang on You're a duck.I see your eyes are working,replies the duck. And you can talk exclaims the barman. I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please Certainly, sorry about that, says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything
Sounds marvellous, says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call.
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.
I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck
Where is it
At the circus,says the barman.
The circus?" repeats the duck.
That's right, replies the barman.
The circus?" the duck asks again. “That place with the big tent,
Yeah," the barman replies.
With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
Of course,the barman replies.
And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says …..
What the f*** would they want with a plasterer
By DJS [Ignore] 25,Jun,22 05:19 other posts 
DJS wants his joke back🤔
By leopoldij [Ignore] 25,Jun,22 05:54 other posts 
I often copy jokes from elsewhere in this thread. Just propagating the fun!

By Rubit [Ignore] 21,Jun,22 21:17 other posts 
Termite walks into a bar, says , where is the bar tender ?

By leopoldij [Ignore] 21,Jun,22 15:08 other posts 
Paddy confides in his best mate that he can't satisfy his wife in bed. His mate says maybe she's getting too hot and suggests taking a fan into the bedroom. Paddy says he hasn't got a fan but asks his mate if he would stand by the bed and flap a towel to help keep her cool. He agrees and the three of them head to the bedroom. It soon becomes apparent to his mate that Paddy is the problem, he just can't fuck! After half an hour his mate suggests that they swop places so Paddy takes charge of the towel and begins flapping as his mate fucks his wife. Almost straight away she is screaming in orgasmic pleasure. He fucks her on the bed, over a chair, on the dressing table, on the floor, then 69 each other and fuck some more before collapsing exhausted in a heap. Paddy, looking extremely pleased with himself, turns to his mate and says "That my friend, is how to flap a fucking towel"

By tb1 [Ignore] 06,Sep,21 08:18 other posts 
My wife’s company used to send her out of state occasionally. The first time this happened, early on in our relationship, I decided to send flowers to her place of work. So I went to a florist shop. After choosing the display I wanted to send, I went to the cashier to pay and and give the address where they should be sent. “How do you want the card signed?” she asked.

Thinking to keep a bit of spice in the nascent relationship, I said, “Just leave it blank.”

She got angry at that; her jaw tightened. “Sir,” she intoned, “We do NOT send out flowers without some sort of signature; not from THIS shop. I need at least your first name. WHAT IS YOUR NAME?”

Well, I could see I was defeated on that issue, so I said, “OK – my name is Anon.” (I made it rhyme with “cannon.”)

“Anon?” she repeated. “I’ve never heard of that name. How do you spell it?”

“A, N, O, N,” I told her. She gave me a slight nod of superiority and wrote it down.

My wife still has the card.
By kebmo [Ignore] 10,Sep,21 03:15 other posts 
I might be having a grey moment but I don’t get it.
By leopoldij [Ignore] 19,Sep,21 22:43 other posts 
Neither do I.
Must be too subtle....

By DJS [Ignore] 19,Sep,21 06:36 other posts 
My Dear Wife, you will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not be upset that I will be spending the evening at the Comfort Inn Hotel with Chantelle, my 18-year-old secretary. Please don't be upset. I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a mathematics teacher. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant Rugby coach. He is young, virile, and (like your secretary) 18 years old. As a successful businessman with a mathematical brain, you will understand that we are in the same situation, but with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow!!!

By DJS [Ignore] 19,Sep,21 06:28 other posts 
I upset my Jehovah Witness brother-in-law yesterday, he tried telling me a knock-knock joke and I just ignored it.

By PSerect [Ignore] 15,Sep,21 08:24 other posts 
Anytime I was out with my uncle and we came across an effeminate man, He would look at me and say " That man could put a lisp in the word cracker

By 7uncut [Ignore] 11,Sep,21 21:10 other posts 
A flasher exposes himsemlf to three old ladies sitting on a park bench.

The first lady has a stroke, the second one had a stroke and fainted.

The third lady wouldn't touch it

By 7uncut [Ignore] 11,Sep,21 21:08 other posts 
Why do wolves make bad co-workers.

Because they're always on Howliday.

Also because they eat all the doghnuts that Ted brings in.

By dgraff [Ignore] 10,Sep,21 04:47 other posts 
Has anyone ever heard of the two gay Irish men there names were
Michael fits Patrick and
Patrick fits Michael
By tb1 [Ignore] 11,Sep,21 08:31 other posts 
Patrick Fitzgerald too
By dgraff [Ignore] 11,Sep,21 14:25 other posts 
Hahaha that two

By 7uncut [Ignore] 10,Sep,21 02:37 other posts 
Why did the bicyclist get a ticket?

Because he was peddling
By dgraff [Ignore] 10,Sep,21 03:13 other posts 

By 7uncut [Ignore] 10,Sep,21 02:34 other posts 
Why did the baker's assistant get fired?

For loafing

By lesloups01 [Ignore] 09,Sep,21 20:54 other posts 

By tb1 [Ignore] 08,Sep,21 08:20 other posts 
Two older ladies from Brooklyn, Gladys and Edna, recently moved to Miami Beach. Their husbands played a lot of golf while the ladies mostly explored Collins Ave. to get a feel for the place. They quickly learned which corner they could always find a bus on to take them to different parts of the area. One day they boarded a bus that said HIALEAH PARK. They’d never heard of it. When they arrived and got off the bus Gladys said it must be some kind of ****. “I see horses and ducks with long necks. What else could this be?” She decided to investigate further so she asked Edna to stay there while she took a quick walk around. She came back to where she left Edna and said, “Hey! They race these horses and we can bet on who we think will win!” They both went closer to what appeared to be a track, surveyed the field, excitedly “ponied up” – sorry – $1each, and put it on a horse they picked at random. Needless to say they lost. “It’s for the best.” said Edna calmly. “After all. What would we do with a horse?”

By IYQBhot [Ignore] 07,Sep,21 08:49 other posts 
The difference between Humans and a computer?

You put the software in to the computer and
you put the hardware in to the human.

What do you call a mushroom with a 10" Penis ?
A fungi to be with.

By tb1 [Ignore] 16,Aug,21 15:57 other posts 
As usual in Ireland, the rain was pouring down.
Outside O’Connor’s Pub, standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub, was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick with a piece of string dangling in the water.
A passer-by stopped and asked him, “What are you doing?”
“Fishing,” replied the old man.
Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, “Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."
In the warm ambiance of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gent, being a bit of a superior smart Alec, cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?”
“You’re the 8th”, replied the old man.

By leopoldij [Ignore] 15,Aug,21 22:26 other posts 
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself. Moral: In life no one helps you once you're fucked.

By leopoldij [Ignore] 15,Aug,21 22:21 other posts 
Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde has figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ." The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

By leopoldij [Ignore] 15,Aug,21 22:18 other posts 
only registered users can see external links
only registered users can see external links

By leopoldij [Ignore] 24,Jun,21 11:16 other posts 
An old lady went to the Bank of America with a large bag full of money

She insisted on speaking to the president of the Bank in order to open a savings account because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After much discussion an employee took her to the office of the president.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit.

She said $165,000.

Curious, he asked her how she had saved such a large sum of money.

The old lady said she made bets.

The president, quite surprised, asked: “What kind of bets?”

The old lady said: “For example, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square”.

The president started to laugh and pointed out that this kind of bet was impossible to win.

The old lady replied: “Would you like to make a bet?”

“Certainly”, answered the president, “I can guarantee you that my testicles are not square”.

The old lady then said to him:

“Given the size of the bet, I’ll come back tomorrow at 10am with my lawyer as a witness, if that’s ok with you”.

“No problem” said the president.

That evening, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of his mirror examining his testicles, turning them in all directions, again and again, in order to make sure that his testicles could not be seen as square and therefore be sure to win this bet.

On the next day, 10am sharp, the old lady arrived with her lawyer at the president's office.

The president then dropped his trousers so that she and her lawyer could see everything.

The old lady came closer and said that given the amount money involved, she needed to touch them to be completely certain. The president agreed and the old lady, smiling, started examining his testicles.

At that point the president looked up to see the lawyer banging his head against the wall.

“What's his problem?”, he asked the old lady.

To which she answered: “I bet him $100,000 that at around 10am today I would be holding the testicles of the president of the Bank of America in my hand.”
By phart [Ignore] 15,Aug,21 19:25 other posts 
By leopoldij [Ignore] 15,Aug,21 21:37 other posts 
It's a great joke, isn't it? Not mine, of course, it's been around for ages.

By wycowboy [Ignore] 10,Oct,20 09:43 other posts 
Joe Biden
By Browning22 [Ignore] 07,Aug,21 09:41 other posts 
Pamela Harris
By LumpyStump [Ignore] 09,Aug,21 17:07 other posts 
Why are Trumps ties so long?
The other end is stuck in Da Pudd'ins zipper.
By phart [Ignore] 15,Aug,21 19:23 other posts 
I thought this was a joke thread,damn,this makes me sick to my stomach,not laugh!

By PSerect [Ignore] 15,Aug,21 16:03 other posts 
I tried to kill a spider with body glitter. Now it wont stop stripping and makes me call it Cinnamon

By Sir-Skittles [Ignore] 09,Aug,21 17:08 other posts 
What is the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

Christopher Walken

By Dev01 [Ignore] 10,Aug,21 20:37 other posts 
Fuck sake bro 🤣🤣🤣 You do know the horses name was"kryptonite" right?

By LumpyStump [Ignore] 07,Aug,21 01:18 other posts 
Have you heard the horrendous news of the two blondes found dead in a parked car? They went to the drive-in to watch "Closed For The Winter."

By PSerect [Ignore] 11,Jul,21 03:24 other posts 
Being a gay man, I love a good gay joke. Here is one of my favorite corny gay jokes:
How do you get 3 gay men off of your couch?
Jerk one off and the other 2 will cum!

By PSerect [Ignore] 11,Jul,21 03:22 other posts 
Im hosting a sex toy party in a few hours, I figured I'd better get these things cleaned up and back into their original packaging before anyone shows up!
[deleted image]

By Sexmagic694U [Ignore] 26,Jun,21 17:53 other posts 
Q, What do jelly beans do that humans cant do?
A, Come in different colours

By leopoldij [Ignore] 24,Jun,21 11:22 other posts 
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.

This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.

Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?

Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.

I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
By tb1 [Ignore] 24,Jun,21 14:05 other posts 
That is funny

By leopoldij [Ignore] 24,Jun,21 11:15 other posts 
A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.
The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.

By leopoldij [Ignore] 24,Jun,21 11:13 other posts 
'Mummy Mummy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddys stomach last night?'
"I have to do that or Daddys belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny"
'Well thats not going to work'
"Why not darling?"
'Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again'

By leopoldij [Ignore] 24,Jun,21 11:12 other posts 
When a women wears a bikini she exposes 90% of her body. But most men have enough respect to only stare at the clothed bits.. 

By leopoldij [Ignore] 24,Jun,21 11:11 other posts 
Husband always insisted on making love in the dark. After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator. She goes balistic, "You impotent bastard! How could you lie to me all these years?" Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."

By leopoldij [Ignore] 24,Jun,21 11:05 other posts 
Man approached a couple of larger ladies at the bar, intending to make a pass, and hoping he'd fuck them later that night,
and said "I caught your accent, you ladies from Scotland?"

They replied, "Wales, you idiot!"

He says, "Sorry, you whales from Scotland?"

Needless to say he got fucked instead fucking them.

By leopoldij [Ignore] 24,Jun,21 11:02 other posts 
Little Johnny and his mother go and visit grandpa in the country for a few days. On the way, Johnny sees two dogs fucking. “Mama, Mama, what are those two dogs doing?”

His mom became flustered. She knew he was not ready for the birds and the bee talk. So, she muttered the first thing that came to her mind, “they are having a fish fry Johnny.”

“Oh, that’s what you call it,” Johnny quietly said.

His mom smiled, she knew she dodged a bullet for a few more years.

They turned off the highway and onto a country road. Within a few miles, “Mommy, look at those two horses. They are having a fish fry.”

His mom smiles, “that’s right Johnny. They are having a fish fry.

They finally reach grandpa’s farm and after dinner on the second night, they sat out in the front porch swing. Two rabbits started going at it and caught Johnny’s eye. “Mommy, Mommy, look at those two rabbits. They are having a fish fry.”

Grandpa started to correct little Johnny, and received a sharp elbow to his rib cage before he got the hint. “Yep, they are having one wing-ding of a fish fry Johnny,” grandpa said with a grin.

Little Johnny and his mom returned home after a few days. His mom made a large dinner for his dad as thanks for allowing her to visit her father. After bath time little Johnny was tucked in for the night.

The mom was horny. She slipped out of her bathrobe, and rode her husband for a while. The headboard was clanking, the moans were even louder, and the spasm of her husband’s cock caused her to climax. Before she could get up to clean herself up she heard the TV in the front room. She became pissed that Johnny snuck back down stairs.

She donned her robe and hurried to the front room. “What are you doing out of bed,” she asked firmly.

“Your fish fry was too loud for me to s-l-e-e-p so I came down to watch TV.”

She became embarrassed, “what on Earth makes you think we were having a fish fry Johnny?”

Little Johnny looks her in the eye, and without missing a beat, “you can’t lie to me mommy. Not while you still have tartar sauce running down your leg.”

By leopoldij [Ignore] 24,Jun,21 11:00 other posts 
Q What's the difference between light and hard?
A You can slee.p with a light on.  

Q Why is sex like a bridge game?
A You don't need a partner if you have a good hand. 

Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A.  Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q Sex is like math. Why?
A Add a bed, Subtract the clothes, Divide the legs, and pray you don’t Multiply! 

Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back !!! 
--------------------------------------- added after 7 minutes

Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
--------------------------------------- added after 10 minutes

Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?

A: By becoming a ventriloquist!
--------------------------------------- added after 10 minutes

Q. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

A. After five years, your job will still suck.

By routemaster [Ignore] 12,Oct,20 02:15 other posts 
Boris Johnson
By leopoldij [Ignore] 23,Jun,21 21:46 other posts 

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