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Started by se-kent-uk [Ignore] 11,Mar,23 03:26  other posts
Lets hear your jokes then;

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Comments:
By se-kent-uk [Ignore] 26,Feb,24 02:27 other posts 
Wife, “were all going to the beach today, so why the cold sweat?”
Me, “I have a feat of tsunamis”
Wife, “oh you have never mentioned it, how bad is it?”
Me, “Well it comes in waves!”


By se-kent-uk [Ignore] 25,Feb,24 02:31 other posts 
Mate, ‘that guy just threw his milk at me’
Me, ‘How dairy!’


By se-kent-uk [Ignore] 25,Feb,24 02:31 other posts 
What are the strongest days
Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays


By se-kent-uk [Ignore] 23,Feb,24 01:37 other posts 
Me, “My first job was posing as a mannequin in a shop window”
Mate, “Was you any good?”
Me, “Well I held the position for a long time!”


By se-kent-uk [Ignore] 22,Feb,24 03:23 other posts 
Mate, “Whats up with you?”
Me, “Wife asked me to pass her some lip balm and I gave her some glue by accident”
Mate, “You’re an idiot but she will get over it”
Me, “Well it’s been a week and she’s still not talking to me!”


By se-kent-uk [Ignore] 19,Feb,24 02:02 other posts 
Me, “Did you know I played the drums as a kid?”
Wife, “No I didn’t”
Me, “I did think about taking it up again but decided not to”
Wife, “well if you do there will be repercussions!”


By se-kent-uk [Ignore] 18,Feb,24 03:21 other posts 
Mate, “fancy a game of cards?”
Me, “yes but the cards all seem stuck together”
Mate, “Is it going to cause a problem?”
Me, “it’s making them hard to deal with!”


By se-kent-uk [Ignore] 11,Feb,24 03:09 other posts 
Me, “I really don’t trust atoms”
Mate, “why on earth not?”
Me, “because they make up everything!”


By se-kent-uk [Ignore] 10,Feb,24 03:43 other posts 
Me, “I don’t like the shoes from a drug store”
Mate, “whats up with them?”
Me, “I am constantly tripping!”


By biggg [Ignore] 07,Feb,24 16:52 other posts 
I dreamt, I was eating a huge marshmallow. In the morning my pillow was gone


By se-kent-uk [Ignore] 07,Feb,24 03:30 other posts 
Me, “Your looking smooth, had your hair done mate?”
Mate, “yes, said to the hairdresser to make me look sexy”
Me, “How much did she need to drink?”


By routemaster [Ignore] 06,Feb,24 17:34 other posts 
A double mattress was found left on the doorstep of Scotland Yard police HQ in London last night.

As to how it got there, police say at the moment there is no concrete evidence.




By se-kent-uk [Ignore] 06,Feb,24 02:39 other posts 
Mate, “My favourite movie is, ‘the hunt for the Red October’”.
Me, “I don’t like movies with sub titles”.


By se-kent-uk [Ignore] 04,Feb,24 03:31 other posts 
Mate, “why are you lipping?”
Me, “new shoes”
Mate, “so whats wrong?”
Me, “I think one is . . . not right!”


By tecsan [Ignore] 02,Feb,24 05:22 other posts 
A friend said "I am afraid of the calendar".

Me 'Why"

Friend 'It's days are numbered"!


By se-kent-uk [Ignore] 02,Feb,24 02:41 other posts 
Me, “looks like we’re in for a spell of really bad weather”
Mate, “like what?”
Me, “ the forecast is, rane, hale, drissle, thundre, litnin, and frizzing culd!”


By se-kent-uk [Ignore] 01,Feb,24 01:58 other posts 
Me, “I once had an addiction to doing the Hokey Pokey”
Mate, “however did you manage to stop?”
Me, “I turned my self around!”


By biggg [Ignore] 31,Jan,24 13:12 other posts 
I really see myself in my new job at the mirror factory


By se-kent-uk [Ignore] 31,Jan,24 11:02 other posts 
Me, “How do crows stick together in a flock?”
Mate, “Oh no another pun, go on tell me”
Me, “Velcro”
Mate, “I can do better than that!”
Me, “Well Toucan play at that game!”


By Louis [Ignore] 31,Jan,24 05:38 other posts 
NEWS FLASH: A prison bus and a cement truck have collided. The prisoners have escaped and the public is warned to be on the look out for seventeen hardened criminals!


By routemaster [Ignore] 27,Jan,24 04:57 other posts 
Rishi Sunak got into a fight outside the Houses of Parliament. His injuries are not life-threatenting but he now has a badly disfigured face with the eyes to the left and the nose to the right.

By leopoldij [Ignore] 27,Jan,24 15:26 other posts 
And the reason he got into a fight is because his pockets are always full, yet he claimed to care about poverty in the UK.
By routemaster [Ignore] 28,Jan,24 03:47 other posts 
This thread is for jokes, I didn't put this in for political discussion.


By se-kent-uk [Ignore] 28,Jan,24 03:02 other posts 
Mate, “the bloke over their recons his mate can throw a ball for his dog so far it takes the dog 15minuets to come back”.
Me, “Sounds a bit farfetched to me”.


By routemaster [Ignore] 21,Jan,24 22:14 other posts 
What did the copper say to the thief with three heads?

"'ello, 'ello, 'ello."

By leopoldij [Ignore] 24,Jan,24 19:26 other posts 
They (Americans) don't know what copper means.
By routemaster [Ignore] 27,Jan,24 04:46 other posts 
For non-Americans, a copper is British slang for a police officer.
By leopoldij [Ignore] 27,Jan,24 15:24 other posts 

It's like telling an American you're walking on the pavement when there's a lot of traffic.
They'll think you're crazy.


By routemaster [Ignore] 27,Jan,24 04:48 other posts 
A large mirror stolen from a country house was left outside the doors of Scotland Yard police HQ in London last night.

Police say they are looking into it.



By routemaster [Ignore] 27,Jan,24 04:45 other posts 
What do you call a cowboy with no legs?

A low-down bum.



By se-kent-uk [Ignore] 25,Jan,24 03:40 other posts 
Me, “Some sod has stolen all the lamps from my room”
Mate, “I bet that made you mad”
Me, “What do you think I’m de-lighted!”
By routemaster [Ignore] 27,Jan,24 04:44 other posts 


By se-kent-uk [Ignore] 26,Jan,24 03:30 other posts 
What do you call an angry French aunt?
I don’t know, what?
A Crossaunt!
By routemaster [Ignore] 27,Jan,24 04:44 other posts 
Another that's so bad, its good!!!


By se-kent-uk [Ignore] 27,Jan,24 03:36 other posts 
Me, “Did you know, there is only one thing that makes a good Pizza joke?”
Mate, “ Dough-know!!”
Me, “HaHa, no it’s the delivery!”


By leopoldij [Ignore] 24,Jan,24 19:35 other posts 
A man walks into a pub and sees this hot slutty woman tending the bar. Above the bar there are 2 signs:

"Grilled Cheese Sandwhich: $7.50"

and

"Handjob: $40"

The man goes over to the bar, and asks the bartender: "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

The bartender nods and bites her lip seductively.

The man says: "Then wash your hands, bitch, cause I want a grilled cheese sandwich."


By se-kent-uk [Ignore] 10,Jan,24 04:03 other posts 
A lorry load of VapoRub has rolled over on the motorway.
There has been no reports of congestion for 8 hours!
By leopoldij [Ignore] 24,Jan,24 19:30 other posts 
Have you ever tried vaporrub in your ass?


By biggg [Ignore] 17,Jan,24 09:28 other posts 
Two guys playing golf.
First guy looking ahead at the two ladies playing in front: Oh my God, it´s my wife and my mistress!
Second guy looks and says: Oh no, mine too!
By leopoldij [Ignore] 24,Jan,24 19:29 other posts 
They can then have a foursome.


By se-kent-uk [Ignore] 21,Jan,24 03:01 other posts 
Mate, “why is this room feeling so cold?”
Me, “why not join me here in the corner”
Mate, “why will that help?” Me, "yes because it’s 90 degrees”
By leopoldij [Ignore] 24,Jan,24 19:28 other posts 
Fahrenheit or Centigrade? Or are they college degrees?


By routemaster [Ignore] 18,Jan,24 01:45 other posts 
I saw a joke on a birthday card too:-

On the front:-

If you take a shower on your birthday with your clothes on, it shows you're crazy.

Inside:-

If you take a shower on your birthday with your clothes off, it shows your nuts!!!.

By leopoldij [Ignore] 24,Jan,24 19:27 other posts 
A joke only for those who confuse pronouns and verbs.


By se-kent-uk [Ignore] 24,Jan,24 04:10 other posts 
Whats the best present for a rock mad kid?
A broken Drum
For your own sanity, it can’t be beaten!
By leopoldij [Ignore] 24,Jan,24 19:26 other posts 
It's unbeatable.


By se-kent-uk [Ignore] 23,Jan,24 02:53 other posts 
Me, “I went to that new bar on the high street last night”
Mate, “I know the place, it’s busy there”
Me, “yes, it is, I went dressed as a tennis ball”
Mate, “What, your mad, I bet you were laughed at”
Me, “Yes but at the bar I got served straight away”


By se-kent-uk [Ignore] 22,Jan,24 02:54 other posts 
Mate, “Rebel yells was the best”
Wife, “ No no, White wedding”
Me, “ will you two knock it off with the idol chit-chat!”


By routemaster [Ignore] 21,Jan,24 22:07 other posts 
Thieves broke into Scotland Yard last night and stole all the toilets.

Police say at the moment, they've nothing to go on.



By routemaster [Ignore] 21,Jan,24 21:49 other posts 
I woke up the other night and Gloria Gaynor was standing at the end of my bed.

At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.



By se-kent-uk [Ignore] 19,Jan,24 13:54 other posts 
Mate, “I have just come back from my first art class, I was asked to draw a circle!”
Me, “That sounds a bit pointless”
Mate, “Err, what! I dont know if I will find the time to do it again”
Me, “you will get a-round to it”
Mate, “you are terrible sometimes”
Me, “I’d not worry about it, what goes around, comes a round!”


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