I wanted my dick to be 8 inches long. so I folded it in half

Seems to be the dilemna between "I suck yo nuts" /threat, intent of biting off and harm and rabies) or "I suck yo nuts" about-to-be-engaged-in-consensual-sexual-activity partner, but i think it´s easy to establish the difference. Certainly not on the train or subway.

Fridays with Frank (really cool guy) can tell you

Hmm, would certainly like my nuts sucked, but not by this person....

hahaha

Uh-oh. Never seen the movie "Day of the Triffids"? The End is Nigh!

Hey, you´re talking about my earliest known photo! Be nice!

A hippie and a nun are on a bus.
The hippie says to the nun: like wow, i´ve always wanted to fuck a nun.
But the nun says: i`m already married to jesus so I cannot.
As the hippie is getting off the bus, the bus driver nods and winks and says: the nun is always in the graveyard at 8 o clock and waiting for the holy spirit. So you might be in luck!
The hippie puts a white sheet over his head and goes to the graveyard, and approaches the nun from behind. “Woo hoo, I am the holy spirit and I want to fuck you”
The nun says: well, yes since you are the holy spirit but it´s that time of the month so you have to do me in the ass from behind.
OK says the hippie, pulls out his dick and bangs her up the ass
When he´s finished, he pulls off the white sheet and laughs: haha, i´m not the holy spirit, i´m the hippie
But the nun turns around and pulls off her head cover and laughs back: haha, i´m not the nun, i´m the bus driver

The world´s strongest glue has been invented. But they can´t get the lid off

Arnie is cool

I dreamt, I was eating a huge marshmallow. In the morning my pillow was gone

Don´t know, but I would certainly like to use portions of your bra packaging to thicken MY gravies and sauces

nope, carrots with special sauce aren´t on the menu today Bu t this does remind me of a joke about buttered corn, which i´ll post elsewhere sooner or later

I really see myself in my new job at the mirror factory

Don´t eat the carrot afterwards

PLA or polylactic acid is touted as a biodegradable plastic and recyclable, but it needs much higher temperatures than landfill to decompose so it´s a bit of a marketing ego massage...oh look at ME, MY trash is recyclable and so environmentally friendly etc etc yawn. But if was corn starch, surely you could just eat it?

Why will you never be hungry in the desert? Because of the sand-which-is there

yep, get em in the eye with that extra hot tabasco sauce Sir, would you like MORE sauce with your order?

seems to be the new real, any asshole can feel like a king or queen and hit people just doing their job in take away food outlets

Two guys playing golf.
First guy looking ahead at the two ladies playing in front: Oh my God, it´s my wife and my mistress!
Second guy looks and says: Oh no, mine too!

He only noticed he had diarrhoea when he took his bicycle clips off

funny

Rogue Waves are common, worked at sea for years. Always to be expected. In old folklore, every seventh wave aaar, shiver me Timbers

(This does not work in the metric system) I wrote my Mum to say I have grown another foot. So she knitted me another sock.

haha, this is brilliant

Maybe he was practising to be Santa Claus?

Better just grin and bear it

tree was hundreds of years old :-(

If you think this is bull, honk your horn(s) and mooove over

Dear Bella, so sorry for your loss and the difficult times you have been through.

I keep hearing a duck quacking behind me. BUt when I turn around, there´s no duck! Just a nasty smell!

wierd or weird? Always understood: i before e except after c. I am confused

smoking cigarettes, bad habit

Doctor: Sir, you must stop masturbating. Me: Is it because I will go blind?. Doctor: No, it´s because you need to keep still while I´m examining you

don´t like. feels too intimate from people i don´t know

can all run around naked as a Jaybird

Went to the doctor, spent half an hour in the waiting room. Doctor: what seems to be the problem. Me: I have this terrible farting problem and just can´t stop, but at least they are silent so nobody notices. Doctor: Ah yes, you need a hearing aid

How dare You!! Guess she has to get a job meanwhile

Em, doubt that it would be cooooold

Oh! This was little old me! And I´m back too :-)

clever seal

Good point! maybe the foot is referring to something else...a foot long?

My feet are very big

There was a young man of Devizes
Who’s balls were of different sizes
One was so small
It was no ball at all
But the other one won several Prizes

eggs-actly!

might make you feel horny