Mate, “I understand scientist’s have managed to weigh a rainbow”
Me, “I bet it was pretty light”

Me: Doctor, I feel I´m invisible. Doctor: Who said that?

Doctor, “I am afraid, you have overdosed on Viagra”
Me, “ guess today is going to be a long hard day!”

Wife, “I hate it how you always twist everything to your advantage”
Me, “ I will take that as a compliment”

I wrote home: ive grown another foot. And my mama knitted me another sock. (This joke doesnt work in metric)

Wife, “I hate it how you always twist everything to your advantage”
Me, “ I will take that as a compliment”

Computer, “Choose a password”
Drummer, “Hi-hat”
Computer, “Password must not contain symbols”

Me, “What do the Eiffel tower & tapeworms have in common?”
Mate, “I have no idea”
Me, “They are both Paris sites”

I told my doctor, I`m obsessed with Tom Jones. He said: it´s not unusual

Mate, “Did you know Alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me, “That’s funny . . . . I have never seen one with more than 4”

“years ago people said I’d never get over my obsession with Phil Collins”
“But take a look at me now”

At any given time, the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”, is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away a whim away.

“years ago people said I’d never get over my obsession with Phil Collins”
“But take a look at me now”

I wondered why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger. But then it hit me

Boss, “I hear some staff are saying I can be condescending”
Me, “Err, wel”
Boss, “that means I talk down to you”

Me, “My credit card was declined at the sweater store”
Wife, “what did you do?”
Me, “I asked if they would try my cardigan!”

Think I know what you mean.

It’s a 5-minute walk from my house to the pub.
It’s a 30-minute walk back from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering!

Mate, “My folded paper plane won’t fly”
Me, “It won’t, it’s stationary”
Mate, “oh well what else can I use”
Me, “Try fly paper”

Mate, "You had your hair cut?"
Me, "Yes about a week ago, I didn't like it as first, as I thought it was too short"
Mate, "Really"
Me, "Yes, but it's growing on me now"

Mate, “ Just done a good deed, helped an old man across the road”
Me, “Good for you, I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person last week”
Mate, “That’s very decent of you”
Me, “ The bus company didn’t, they said as a driver it was irresponsible and fired me”.

Mate, “I’m knackered, I’ve been out throwing the ball around for the dog”
Me, “I once threw a ball for my dog”
Mate, “That’s nice”
Me, “Yeah, it was a bit extravagant, but he looked good on the dance floor in a tuxedo”