Me, “looks like we’re in for a spell of really bad weather”
Mate, “like what?”
Me, “ the forecast is, rane, hale, drissle, thundre, litnin, and frizzing culd!”

Me, “I once had an addiction to doing the Hokey Pokey”
Mate, “however did you manage to stop?”
Me, “I turned my self around!”

I really see myself in my new job at the mirror factory

Me, “How do crows stick together in a flock?”
Mate, “Oh no another pun, go on tell me”
Me, “Velcro”
Mate, “I can do better than that!”
Me, “Well Toucan play at that game!”

NEWS FLASH: A prison bus and a cement truck have collided. The prisoners have escaped and the public is warned to be on the look out for seventeen hardened criminals!

Rishi Sunak got into a fight outside the Houses of Parliament. His injuries are not life-threatenting but he now has a badly disfigured face with the eyes to the left and the nose to the right.

Mate, “the bloke over their recons his mate can throw a ball for his dog so far it takes the dog 15minuets to come back”.
Me, “Sounds a bit farfetched to me”.

What did the copper say to the thief with three heads?

"'ello, 'ello, 'ello."

A large mirror stolen from a country house was left outside the doors of Scotland Yard police HQ in London last night.

Police say they are looking into it.

What do you call a cowboy with no legs?

A low-down bum.

Me, “Some sod has stolen all the lamps from my room”
Mate, “I bet that made you mad”
Me, “What do you think I’m de-lighted!”

What do you call an angry French aunt?
I don’t know, what?
A Crossaunt!

Me, “Did you know, there is only one thing that makes a good Pizza joke?”
Mate, “ Dough-know!!”
Me, “HaHa, no it’s the delivery!”

A man walks into a pub and sees this hot slutty woman tending the bar. Above the bar there are 2 signs:

"Grilled Cheese Sandwhich: $7.50"

and

"Handjob: $40"

The man goes over to the bar, and asks the bartender: "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

The bartender nods and bites her lip seductively.

The man says: "Then wash your hands, bitch, cause I want a grilled cheese sandwich."

A lorry load of VapoRub has rolled over on the motorway.
There has been no reports of congestion for 8 hours!

Two guys playing golf.
First guy looking ahead at the two ladies playing in front: Oh my God, it´s my wife and my mistress!
Second guy looks and says: Oh no, mine too!

Mate, “why is this room feeling so cold?”
Me, “why not join me here in the corner”
Mate, “why will that help?” Me, "yes because it’s 90 degrees”

I saw a joke on a birthday card too:-

On the front:-

If you take a shower on your birthday with your clothes on, it shows you're crazy.

Inside:-

If you take a shower on your birthday with your clothes off, it shows your nuts!!!.

Whats the best present for a rock mad kid?
A broken Drum
For your own sanity, it can’t be beaten!

Me, “I went to that new bar on the high street last night”
Mate, “I know the place, it’s busy there”
Me, “yes, it is, I went dressed as a tennis ball”
Mate, “What, your mad, I bet you were laughed at”
Me, “Yes but at the bar I got served straight away”

Mate, “Rebel yells was the best”
Wife, “ No no, White wedding”
Me, “ will you two knock it off with the idol chit-chat!”

Thieves broke into Scotland Yard last night and stole all the toilets.

Police say at the moment, they've nothing to go on.

I woke up the other night and Gloria Gaynor was standing at the end of my bed.

At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.

Mate, “I have just come back from my first art class, I was asked to draw a circle!”
Me, “That sounds a bit pointless”
Mate, “Err, what! I dont know if I will find the time to do it again”
Me, “you will get a-round to it”
Mate, “you are terrible sometimes”
Me, “I’d not worry about it, what goes around, comes a round!”

First you'll ask, "Do you remember your first blowjob?". Give them a second while they're thinking and then you'll ask "How long did it take for him to cum?"

Why will you never be hungry in the desert? Because of the sand-which-is there

Mate, “Rebel yells was the best”
Wife, “ No no, White wedding”
Me, “ will you two knock it off with the idol chit-chat!”

I saw a joke cartoon on a birthday card.

The cartoon showed the inside of a pharmacist store. A guy asks the pharmacist:

“Can I get Viagra here?”

The pharmacist answers

“Yes”

The guy then asks

“Can I get it over the counter?”

The pharmacist replies

“Only if you take two tablets”

Well it looked amusing on the card.

A maniac murdered a woman on board a train. As the train went over the bridge, he opened the door, pushed the victim out then closed the door and returned to his seat as if nothing had happened.
Eventually, the police caught up with him and, after questioning, they decided it was an open and shut case.

Mate, “hows the new job going?”
Me, “Only been at the bike factory 1 week & I have been given a promotion ”
Mate, “promotion already, to what?”
Me, “spokesperson”

Mate, “what are you smiling about”
Me, “I am remembering growing up in the 80’s”
Mate, “Ahh the 80’s the era of boom boxes”
Me, “well that’s just a stereotype!”

I ordered Chinese locally (won't name them) went to pick it up and as I was driving back home, heard the bags rustling and moving!!!
I thought what on earth is that? Has something gotten into the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out.
I was driving at the time so I pulled over, I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the ginger beef!
I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...
And there it was ...
... A Peeking Duck!!!

Bloke was in a launderette watching his smalls going round when a woman comes in and starts loading lots of £5, £10, £20 and £50 notes into an adjacent machine.
"What the bloody hell are you doing?" asked the man.
"What d'you think I'm doing, you stupid twat," replied the woman. "I'm money laundering."

Me, “I have taken to sleeping on a pile of old magazines”
Mate, “That can’t be doing you any good”
Me, “Quite the opposite, it’s great for back issues!”

All the action in the next James Bond film is going to take place in an opticians. Its going to be called For Four Eyes Only.

I still enjoy sex at 96. I live at 94 so its not far to go.

Visiting a mate, hear a loud bang n crash & go and investigate to find my mate under some shelfing and a pile of heavy books!
Me, “you ok mate, looks like you have taken a bang to the head”
Mate, “I’m ok, looks like this lot came down on me, guess I didn’t put it up very good”
Me, “you only have your shelf to blame!”