Has anyone ever heard of the two gay Irish men there names were
Michael fits Patrick and
Patrick fits Michael

Why did the bicyclist get a ticket?

Because he was peddling

Why did the baker's assistant get fired?

For loafing

Two older ladies from Brooklyn, Gladys and Edna, recently moved to Miami Beach. Their husbands played a lot of golf while the ladies mostly explored Collins Ave. to get a feel for the place. They quickly learned which corner they could always find a bus on to take them to different parts of the area. One day they boarded a bus that said HIALEAH PARK. They’d never heard of it. When they arrived and got off the bus Gladys said it must be some kind of ****. “I see horses and ducks with long necks. What else could this be?” She decided to investigate further so she asked Edna to stay there while she took a quick walk around. She came back to where she left Edna and said, “Hey! They race these horses and we can bet on who we think will win!” They both went closer to what appeared to be a track, surveyed the field, excitedly “ponied up” – sorry – $1each, and put it on a horse they picked at random. Needless to say they lost. “It’s for the best.” said Edna calmly. “After all. What would we do with a horse?”

The difference between Humans and a computer?

You put the software in to the computer and
you put the hardware in to the human.

What do you call a mushroom with a 10" Penis ?
A fungi to be with.

As usual in Ireland, the rain was pouring down.
Outside O’Connor’s Pub, standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub, was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick with a piece of string dangling in the water.
A passer-by stopped and asked him, “What are you doing?”
“Fishing,” replied the old man.
Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, “Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."
In the warm ambiance of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gent, being a bit of a superior smart Alec, cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?”
“You’re the 8th”, replied the old man.

Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself. Moral: In life no one helps you once you're fucked.

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde has figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ." The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

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An old lady went to the Bank of America with a large bag full of money

She insisted on speaking to the president of the Bank in order to open a savings account because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After much discussion an employee took her to the office of the president.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit.

She said $165,000.

Curious, he asked her how she had saved such a large sum of money.

The old lady said she made bets.

The president, quite surprised, asked: “What kind of bets?”

The old lady said: “For example, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square”.

The president started to laugh and pointed out that this kind of bet was impossible to win.

The old lady replied: “Would you like to make a bet?”

“Certainly”, answered the president, “I can guarantee you that my testicles are not square”.

The old lady then said to him:

“Given the size of the bet, I’ll come back tomorrow at 10am with my lawyer as a witness, if that’s ok with you”.

“No problem” said the president.

That evening, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of his mirror examining his testicles, turning them in all directions, again and again, in order to make sure that his testicles could not be seen as square and therefore be sure to win this bet.

On the next day, 10am sharp, the old lady arrived with her lawyer at the president's office.

The president then dropped his trousers so that she and her lawyer could see everything.

The old lady came closer and said that given the amount money involved, she needed to touch them to be completely certain. The president agreed and the old lady, smiling, started examining his testicles.

At that point the president looked up to see the lawyer banging his head against the wall.

“What's his problem?”, he asked the old lady.

To which she answered: “I bet him $100,000 that at around 10am today I would be holding the testicles of the president of the Bank of America in my hand.”

Joe Biden

I tried to kill a spider with body glitter. Now it wont stop stripping and makes me call it Cinnamon

What is the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

Christopher Walken

Have you heard the horrendous news of the two blondes found dead in a parked car? They went to the drive-in to watch "Closed For The Winter."

Being a gay man, I love a good gay joke. Here is one of my favorite corny gay jokes:
How do you get 3 gay men off of your couch?
Jerk one off and the other 2 will cum!

Im hosting a sex toy party in a few hours, I figured I'd better get these things cleaned up and back into their original packaging before anyone shows up!
[deleted image]

Q, What do jelly beans do that humans cant do?
A, Come in different colours

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.

This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.

Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?

Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.

I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.
The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.

'Mummy Mummy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddys stomach last night?'
"I have to do that or Daddys belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny"
'Well thats not going to work'
"Why not darling?"
'Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again'

When a women wears a bikini she exposes 90% of her body. But most men have enough respect to only stare at the clothed bits.. 

Husband always insisted on making love in the dark. After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator. She goes balistic, "You impotent bastard! How could you lie to me all these years?" Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."

Man approached a couple of larger ladies at the bar, intending to make a pass, and hoping he'd fuck them later that night,
and said "I caught your accent, you ladies from Scotland?"

They replied, "Wales, you idiot!"

He says, "Sorry, you whales from Scotland?"

Needless to say he got fucked instead fucking them.

Little Johnny and his mother go and visit grandpa in the country for a few days. On the way, Johnny sees two dogs fucking. “Mama, Mama, what are those two dogs doing?”

His mom became flustered. She knew he was not ready for the birds and the bee talk. So, she muttered the first thing that came to her mind, “they are having a fish fry Johnny.”

“Oh, that’s what you call it,” Johnny quietly said.

His mom smiled, she knew she dodged a bullet for a few more years.

They turned off the highway and onto a country road. Within a few miles, “Mommy, look at those two horses. They are having a fish fry.”

His mom smiles, “that’s right Johnny. They are having a fish fry.

They finally reach grandpa’s farm and after dinner on the second night, they sat out in the front porch swing. Two rabbits started going at it and caught Johnny’s eye. “Mommy, Mommy, look at those two rabbits. They are having a fish fry.”

Grandpa started to correct little Johnny, and received a sharp elbow to his rib cage before he got the hint. “Yep, they are having one wing-ding of a fish fry Johnny,” grandpa said with a grin.

Little Johnny and his mom returned home after a few days. His mom made a large dinner for his dad as thanks for allowing her to visit her father. After bath time little Johnny was tucked in for the night.

The mom was horny. She slipped out of her bathrobe, and rode her husband for a while. The headboard was clanking, the moans were even louder, and the spasm of her husband’s cock caused her to climax. Before she could get up to clean herself up she heard the TV in the front room. She became pissed that Johnny snuck back down stairs.

She donned her robe and hurried to the front room. “What are you doing out of bed,” she asked firmly.

“Your fish fry was too loud for me to s-l-e-e-p so I came down to watch TV.”

She became embarrassed, “what on Earth makes you think we were having a fish fry Johnny?”

Little Johnny looks her in the eye, and without missing a beat, “you can’t lie to me mommy. Not while you still have tartar sauce running down your leg.”

Q What's the difference between light and hard?
A You can slee.p with a light on.  
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Q Why is sex like a bridge game?
A You don't need a partner if you have a good hand. 
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Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A.  Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
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Q Sex is like math. Why?
A Add a bed, Subtract the clothes, Divide the legs, and pray you don’t Multiply! 
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Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back !!! 
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Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
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Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?

A: By becoming a ventriloquist!
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Q. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

A. After five years, your job will still suck.

Boris Johnson

Three old guys sitting on a bench discussing the world

First guy: It´s terrible. When I gotta pee, I squeeze and squeeze for ages but it only dribbles out slowly.

Second guy: You think you got problems? When I shit, I sit on the pot for hours and push for ages before anything happens

Third guy: At 6 o clock I piss like a horse and at 7 o clock I shit like a mule.

Other guys: Wow, lucky you! So what´s the problem?

Third guy: I only wake up at 8 o clock

A man walks into a bar. As he sits down, he looks up and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender “what’s with the meat?”

The bartender says, “If you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour. If you miss even one, you have to pay for everyone else’s drinks for the rest of the night. Wanna give it a go?”

The man takes another look at the meat, then says, “I think I’ll pass. The steaks are too high.”

Ahh this is a dick.... Tada!

Coming out of the supermarket the other day, a woman was crying her eyes out saying she'd lost all her holiday money. Felt sorry for her so I gave her 50 quid.

I wouldn't normally do that sort of thing, but I'd just found two grand in the car park.

Why do all alter boys have that hairstyle with the straight part down the middle?

Because the priest likes to stroke the hair that way..

No offense intended. I was raised Catholic.

What did the blond man say to the other blind man?......long time no see? lol

Why did the hippy not believe in the Mississippi

Because hippies don´t marry