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Joke Central

Discussion Forum on Show It Off

Page #1

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Started by #523455 [Ignore] at 16,Aug,17 20:07
Welcome everyone.... come and share your jokes, let's have a laugh

New Comment       Rating: 2  


Comments:
By DJS [Ignore] at 17,Apr,20 08:47 other posts 
I've just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse,he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely
Are my test results back


By kebmo [Ignore] at 30,Mar,20 22:18 other posts 
From Phart:

A unofficial research study has concluded that a woman can be satisfied by only 3.25 inches. Yep,you read that right, 3.25 inches.
Don't beleive me, measure your credit cards length before you hand it to her.


By #601496 at 11,Jan,20 08:53
What's the difference between an ugly woman and a beautiful one?
Two stiff drinks.


By leopoldij [Ignore] at 10,Jan,20 21:12 other posts 
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?


One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.


By #570598 at 31,Dec,19 13:41
What's better than eating a mandarin.?
Eating Amanda out


By leopoldij [Ignore] at 25,Dec,19 19:13 other posts 
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.


By leopoldij [Ignore] at 10,Dec,19 03:10 other posts 
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.


By leopoldij [Ignore] at 09,Dec,19 18:03 other posts 
A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school. The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, "Shit!" "Mom, what is shit?" and she says, "Perfume." So he goes to see his dad (who is carving a chicken), and his dad cuts himself and yells, "Fuck!" The boy asks, "Dad, what does fuck mean?" and dad says "preparing." Then he follows his dad upstairs. A few minutes later his mom and dad are about to have sex when his dad says, "Where are the condoms?" The little boy asks, "What are condoms?" and his father says, "Condoms are coats and jackets." The following night his father invites over some important business clients. The boy opens the door for them and says, "Hello! Please come in, Bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is downstairs fucking the chicken.


By leopoldij [Ignore] at 09,Dec,19 10:38 other posts 
Mom: Remember the rule: if a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop".

Girl: Yes mom, I never forget, I'm doing that. He touched both so I said "don't stop" 


By leopoldij [Ignore] at 06,Dec,19 21:44 other posts 
An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"


By leopoldij [Ignore] at 10,May,19 03:22 other posts 
A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
By phart [Ignore] at 17,Oct,19 10:03 other posts 
By #596193 at 06,Dec,19 21:23
Good one 😂


By routemaster [Ignore] at 06,Dec,19 21:07 other posts 
A bimbo was on a coach tour of Scotland and just north of Edinburgh, the courier pointed out the world-famous Forth Bridge.
"Very nice," said the bimbo, "but where's the First, Second and Third?"

***

Father Christmas climbed out the chimney and saw two gay men in the nude having sex. One was bent over while the other was holding on to the first guy's ass, steadying him into position.
Seeing this, Father Christmas exclaimed: "Ha! Bum Hug."

***


By #596193 at 06,Dec,19 21:00
Hypnotist goes to an old folks home , where theres about 150 residents in the room . He says I'm not your average magician , Most bring 1 or 2 or maybe 5 people out of the audience, me I'm gonna hypnotize all of you at the same time . There was laughter and skepticism. The man pulls out an antique gold pocket watch and slowly swings it back and forth and says you’re getting sleepy , you’re eyes are getting heavy, you’re getting sleepy . He drops the gold pocket watch on the floor and it breaks into 1000 pieces . He says oh crap ! Took them 3 days to clean and air out the room . 😂 if you like the joke let me know .


By leopoldij [Ignore] at 06,Dec,19 18:52 other posts 
A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"


By licksipsuckit [Ignore] at 23,Aug,17 09:24 other posts 
once l farted in an elevator,
it was wrong on so many levels
*lix*
By leopoldij [Ignore] at 05,Dec,19 20:19 other posts 
It's definitely wrong on every single level.


By licksipsuckit [Ignore] at 23,Aug,17 04:19 other posts 
l once met a girl with 12 nipples
sounds funny......dozen tit *lix*
By leopoldij [Ignore] at 05,Dec,19 20:18 other posts 
It actually doze.


By kebmo [Ignore] at 24,Nov,19 15:20 other posts 
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks the slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from Britain would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14. God gave you toes as devices for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.


By bigg [Ignore] at 12,Nov,19 12:42 other posts 
Traffic warning: a large hole has opened up in the middle of the road.

Experts are looking into it


By kebmo [Ignore] at 12,Nov,19 12:29 other posts 
I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered "They're right behind you".

The police came by my house and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes!

She danced like nobody was watching but people were watching and she looked like bees were attacking her.

A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm one is much more unpleasant.


By kebmo [Ignore] at 10,Nov,19 13:11 other posts 
Two blondes walk into a building. You'd think that one of them would have seen it.


By #601496 at 10,Nov,19 12:53
Catholic priests would go into the confesional and they would be asked, "Father, have you sinned?" And they would answer, "Nun yesterday, nun today."


By #601496 at 10,Nov,19 12:50
Catholic priest had to abstain from eating red meat on Fridays, so, they had Nun


By Scorps [Ignore] at 10,Nov,19 11:33 other posts 
This had me on the floor... Enjoy!

only registered users can see external links


By kebmo [Ignore] at 07,Nov,19 02:27 other posts 
I used to be addicted to punching nuns in the stomach but lately I've been trying to kick the habit.


By leopoldij [Ignore] at 25,Oct,19 16:15 other posts 
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"


By leopoldij [Ignore] at 02,Feb,19 13:51 other posts 
Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.”
The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”
Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”
Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.”
By kebmo [Ignore] at 25,Oct,19 08:32 other posts 


By routemaster [Ignore] at 23,May,19 07:11 other posts 
A hard-of-hearing student went home from school and baked a pie. She cut it in half and took one half to a shop in Scunthorpe and the other half to a shop in Grimsby. When asked by the shop owners why, the student replied: "My maths teacher said I had to take pie to the nearest two dismal places."
By 61-69 [Ignore] at 17,Oct,19 07:20 other posts 
Lost on non UK folk.
By kebmo [Ignore] at 25,Oct,19 08:10 other posts 
The concept is sound, the names are interchangeable. For instance, one she took to her ex boyfriend's and the other she took to her mean Aunt.


By kebmo [Ignore] at 25,Oct,19 03:23 other posts 
'I've had bad luck with both my wives
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
-James Holt McGavra

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
-Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
-Henny Youngman

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy : 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
-Anonymous


By kebmo [Ignore] at 17,Oct,19 02:40 other posts 
After the honeymoon, Tom was welding some stuff in the garage for fun.

His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally said: "Honey, I've just

been thinking; now that we are married, maybe you don't need to spend

so much of your time out here in your garage and could consider

selling some of your machinery and stuff ... like your gun collection,

fishing gear, boat, and lose all those stupid model airplanes. And

sell that vintage hot rod sports car, and dump that home brewing kit"

Tom got a horrified look on his face and silently stared at her.

She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He replied, "Nothing, really... but for a minute there, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife?!" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"

Tom replied, “I wasn’t...
By phart [Ignore] at 17,Oct,19 10:01 other posts 
good 1! My ex girlfreind tried some of that stuff early on and I told her my hobbies were here before she was and would be here if she left,so I didn't catch much more crap about that!.
By Scorps [Ignore] at 17,Oct,19 18:28 other posts 
As usual...


By kebmo [Ignore] at 07,Apr,19 19:56 other posts 
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.
By Scorps [Ignore] at 22,May,19 12:40 other posts 
Lmao Good one! Gotta love Blonde Jokes...
By phart [Ignore] at 17,Oct,19 10:02 other posts 


By routemaster [Ignore] at 22,May,19 11:36 other posts 
Madonna fell down some stairs at the Brit Awards recently because her dress was too tight. She blames the Material Girl.
By Scorps [Ignore] at 22,May,19 12:36 other posts 
Cute! 👍


By kebmo [Ignore] at 10,May,19 00:04 other posts 
Steven Wright:

I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.”

His mind sees things differently than most of us do.
Here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend . . . but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
By leopoldij [Ignore] at 10,May,19 03:17 other posts 
Excellent


By bigg [Ignore] at 10,Apr,19 16:33 other posts 
My dog keeps chasing People on a bicycle. So i´ve decided to lock up his bicycle.


By bigg [Ignore] at 15,Mar,19 17:15 other posts 
Ever heard the saying:

Either you have a cucumber in your Hand

Or someone else has it up your arse


By kebmo [Ignore] at 17,Nov,18 23:52 other posts 
CALLER:

Is this Gordon's Pizza?

GOOGLE:
No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER:
I must have dialled a wrong number. Sorry.

GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER:

My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:

According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called
you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage,
pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER:
OK! That’s what I want …

GOOGLE:

May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula,
sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER:
What? I detest vegetable!.

GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER:
How the hell do you know!

GOOGLE:

Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical
records. We have the result of your **** tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:

Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take
medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication
regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30
cholesterol tablets once, at **** RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER:
I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER:
I paid in cash.

GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought
them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!!!

GOOGLE:
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention
of helping you.

CALLER:

Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter,
WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet,
cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me
or spy on me.

GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It
expired 6 weeks ago…
By #567021 at 29,Jan,19 23:51
By brian2 [Ignore] at 03,Feb,19 14:58 other posts 
too true to be funny


By leopoldij [Ignore] at 02,Feb,19 13:52 other posts 
Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”
Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”
Doctor: “Every two hours.”


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