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Joke Central

Discussion Forum on Show It Off

Page #1

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Started by #523455 [Ignore] 16,Aug,17 20:07
Welcome everyone.... come and share your jokes, let's have a laugh

New Comment       Rating: 2  

By whatsupcocks [Ignore] 26,Feb,21 07:37 other posts 
Whats the difference between a crack dealer and a crack hoer. the crack hoer can wash her crack

By whatsupcocks [Ignore] 25,Feb,21 09:24 other posts 
What kind of band does not play music ? A band of Criminal's.

By Mrfrisky [Ignore] 24,Feb,21 22:19 other posts 
These are not original:

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher jumped out at them. Two of the ladies had a stroke, the third couldn't reach.

I got my sneakers from a drug dealer. I don't know what they are laced with, but I've been tripping all day...

By whatsupcocks [Ignore] 23,Feb,21 00:41 other posts 
From my shits and giggles blog,//// THE CANDY BAR JOKE 😄😄😄 One day MR.Goodbar wanted a Bit-of-Honey so he took MS.Hershey behind the Power House on 5th Avenue were he began to fill her Mounds which were Almond Joy.She let out a Snicker as his Big Hunk slid up here Milky Way.The results were a Baby Ruth.
By tb1 [Ignore] 23,Feb,21 23:58 other posts 

By tb1 [Ignore] 22,Feb,21 13:29 other posts 
Lake sign, “Frog parking only. All others will be toad!”

By zzick [Ignore] 21,Feb,21 14:32 other posts 
Orange don was defeated by election
Then invited a failed insurrection

Then Melania grinned
Said I wont sleep with him

Cuz hes got a tiny limp erection !

By routemaster [Ignore] 20,Feb,21 04:21 other posts 
I like to show off my anatomy
Without any ounce of fat on me,
But don't tell my mum
That I have a big bum,
Beware if you ever do rat on me.

* * * *

I just made that up.

By routemaster [Ignore] 17,Feb,21 21:04 other posts 
Bloke went to a restaurant and the waitress said: "we've got whalemeat curry, whalemeat stew, whalemeat fry up and a Vera Lynn."
"What's a Vera Lynn?" asked the bloke.
"Whalemeat again," replied the waitress.

By tb1 [Ignore] 18,Feb,21 12:10 other posts 

By Ananas2xLekker [Ignore] 17,Feb,21 15:48 other posts 
A man bumps into a friend in the pub and tells him, “You don't believe it, I have a nympho waiting in my car in the parking lot. Only she demolishes me, I am exhausted. I have to catch my breath. Can't you go to the car and keep her busy for a while? The interior lighting is broken, so she will not notice that you are not me.” His friend agrees and walks to the car. He gets in and they immediately start to fuck in the backseat. A few minutes later, a policeman sees them going at it and starts tapping the window annoyingly and shining his flashlight in. “What are we doing here?” Asks the officer. "Nothing to worry about, officer, it's my wife." "Oh sorry, I didn't know sir." "It's okay, neither did I, until you shined in with your flashlight."

By tb1 [Ignore] 17,Feb,21 15:25 other posts 
How do you recycle a condom?
Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.

By tb1 [Ignore] 17,Feb,21 08:46 other posts 
A grenade tossed into a kitchen in France, would result in a condition known as Linolium Blownapart!

By kebmo [Ignore] 16,Feb,21 00:26 other posts 
An angel asked God what he was doing. "Making Canadians" he said.

"Ah, they're so nice" said the angel.

"Oh yeah, watch this" God said as he dropped a hockey puck.
By tb1 [Ignore] 16,Feb,21 07:11 other posts 

--------------------------------------- added after 5 hours

--------------------------------------- added after 16 hours

By tb1 [Ignore] 15,Feb,21 14:36 other posts 
A rubber-band pistol was seized from an algebra classroom because it was a weapon of math disruption.

By tb1 [Ignore] 13,Feb,21 07:02 other posts 
A young associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room of the law firm. After months of the social isolation that comes from eighty hour work weeks, the associate was happy to reciprocate. However, when asked by a friend to identify the lover, the associate was puzzled.
"All I know for sure is that it was a partner -- I had to do all the work."

By tb1 [Ignore] 11,Feb,21 08:34 other posts 
I asked the wife, “Shall we switch positions tonight?”
She replied, “That’s a great idea. You stand by the ironing board and I’ll lie on the sofa and fart!”

By zzick [Ignore] 06,Feb,21 22:56 other posts 
A man received an invitation to a polka party.
The host said to dress accordianly.
By tb1 [Ignore] 09,Feb,21 05:34 other posts 

By kebmo [Ignore] 06,Feb,21 22:40 other posts 
A man goes into a grocery store and buys an apple, a banana and two eggs. The female cashier says "you must be single".

The man answers "Wow, how did you know that?"

Cashier: "Because you're ugly".

By tb1 [Ignore] 06,Feb,21 07:21 other posts 
A man received the following text from his neighbor:
“I am so sorry Charlie. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, more than you. I’m not getting any at home, but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t happen again.”
The man, anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in: “Damn auto-correct. I meant ‘Wi-Fi’ not ‘wife’.”

By tb1 [Ignore] 29,Jan,21 16:37 other posts 
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it
--------------------------------------- added after 5 hours

She was only a whiskey maker but, I luv’d her still.
--------------------------------------- added after 7 hours

No matter how hard you push an envelope, it will still be stationery 😄😄
By dgraff [Ignore] 30,Jan,21 06:16 other posts 
nice 👍
By tb1 [Ignore] 30,Jan,21 17:02 other posts 
The fattest Knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cum-ferance.
He acquired his girth from consuming too much Pi.

--------------------------------------- added after 7 hours

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

--------------------------------------- added after 11 hours

A backward poet writes inverse.

By routemaster [Ignore] 27,Jan,21 03:25 other posts 
What did ET's mum say to him when he got home?
"Where on earth have you been?"

* * * *

I couldn't remember how to throw a boomerang. But it eventually came back to me.

* * * *

What do you call 6 weeks of rain in Scotland?#

* * * *

A horse is recovering after an operation. The vet says its in a stable condition.

* * * *

Did you hear about the archaeologist who got the sack?
His career lies in ruins.

* * * *

I found an old newspaper the other day with a report that Madonna tore her expensive new dress when she fell down some stairs at a Brit Awards ceremony. She blames the material girl.

* * * *

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

* * * *

How do horse enjoy summertime?
They make neigh while the sun shines.

* * * *

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.

* * * *

What do you call a line of men waiting for a haircut?
A barber queue.

* * * *

I met my wife at a Singles Bar. Strange, as I thought she was at home looking after the kids.

* * * *

By leopoldij [Ignore] 26,Jan,21 12:32 other posts 
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?

By licksipsuckit [Ignore] 25,Jan,21 15:38 other posts 
Just left Walmart where a lady with a basket full of TP asked me what kind of dog I had. I said a service dog. Very rudely she yells what type of service? I said he is a BLD. What's a BLD? She asked as she is allowing my dog to lick her face. With a straight face I said "He is my butt licking dog ( BLD ). I can't find any toilet paper anywhere because of people like you hoarding the TP so he licks my ass clean...... The cashier lost it and walked away from the register.
By tb1 [Ignore] 26,Jan,21 00:07 other posts 

By XxXKing808XxX [Ignore] 10,Jan,21 21:26 other posts 
what did the blind man say to the other blind man?...........long time no see lmao

By kebmo [Ignore] 01,Jan,21 20:59 other posts 
How much coke can Charlie Sheen do?

Enough to kill 2 1/2 men.
By Dev01 [Ignore] 02,Jan,21 05:13 other posts 
By kebmo [Ignore] 02,Jan,21 07:09 other posts 

By kebmo [Ignore] 20,Sep,20 14:08 other posts 
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'
The boy turns, and whispers back,
'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
By HotFuckerBoy [Ignore] 23,Oct,20 22:00 other posts 
That's a good one

By kebmo [Ignore] 21,Oct,20 02:11 other posts 
You know "that look" that women get when they want sex? Me neither.

-Steve Martin

By #188992 21,Sep,20 08:48
I used to tell a great joke about Orpheus and Eurydice. Looking back, not a great idea!

By #188992 17,Sep,20 15:55
Little Johnny gets caught playing doctor with the neighbour girl.
Dad doesn’t approve thinking Johnny is on track to knock up a young teen in a few years.
“Johnny, you know that girls have teeth down there?
“What, are you lying?”
“Nope, you need to keep clear of that business son”

Years later in high school Johnny starts dating a girl but after some time she starts wondering why Johnny hasn’t tried to take things to the next level.
“Johnny, are you attracted to me? We’ve been together for months and you haven’t tried sleeping with me yet. Is something wrong?”
Johnny replies, “When I was younger, my dad told me that girls have teeth, you know, down there.

“That’s silly”, she says, “let me show you”. So she starts to strip from the waist down, lies back and spreads her legs. “See! No teeth!”

Johnny looking horrified says “ Well no wonder! Look at the state of your gums!!!”

By bigg [Ignore] 17,Sep,20 15:47 other posts 
I think my neighbour is spying on me,

When I was looking across the street through the gap in his curtains last night from my balcony with my huge night-vision telescope, I had the feeling that my name was on his computer screen but I´m not sure

By bigg [Ignore] 08,Sep,20 09:46 other posts 
A Man is buying one banana, two bread rolls and a small bottle of milk in the supermarket.
The cashier says: You´re single aren´t you
Him: Wow, how did you know?
Cashier: Because you´re very ugly

By bigg [Ignore] 12,Aug,20 15:03 other posts 
I´ve been diagnosed with Cheddar Cheese Illness. But so far, it´s mild
By kebmo [Ignore] 05,Sep,20 00:32 other posts 

By 7uncut [Ignore] 01,Sep,20 08:07 other posts 
Did you know there were gay bars in the wild west?

Well, the bar doors swun both ways!

By #188992 31,Aug,20 12:10
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed.

"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.

The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station.

Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

By DJS [Ignore] 17,Apr,20 08:47 other posts 
I've just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse,he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely
Are my test results back

By kebmo [Ignore] 30,Mar,20 22:18 other posts 
From Phart:

A unofficial research study has concluded that a woman can be satisfied by only 3.25 inches. Yep,you read that right, 3.25 inches.
Don't beleive me, measure your credit cards length before you hand it to her.

By #601496 11,Jan,20 08:53
What's the difference between an ugly woman and a beautiful one?
Two stiff drinks.

By leopoldij [Ignore] 10,Jan,20 21:12 other posts 
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

By #570598 31,Dec,19 13:41
What's better than eating a mandarin.?
Eating Amanda out

By leopoldij [Ignore] 25,Dec,19 19:13 other posts 
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.

By leopoldij [Ignore] 10,Dec,19 03:10 other posts 
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

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