What's the difference between light and hard?
You can sleeep with a light on.

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Why is sex like a bridge game?
You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

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How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.

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Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

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Sex is like math. Add a bed, Subtract the clothes, Divide the legs, and pray you don’t Multiply!

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Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back !!!

The pussy slit said to the vulva: Your friend with the big purple head must be ill because every time he keeps sticking his head in here he throughs up.

Little Johnny and his mother was going to grandpas' farm for the weekendsince the dad was away on a weekend buissnes and wouldn't be home until Sunday afternoon. Little Johnny was looking out the back window of the car at a stop sign and sees two rabbits going at it, he yells, "Mom, mom, what are those two rabbits doing? The mom already seen the rabbits and had hoped that little Johnny wouldn't see them. The Mom got flustered and blurted the first PG rated thing that came into her head, "they are having a fish fry Johnny." Little Johnny started laughing and said, "oh, that's what you call it." The mom cracked a grin thinking she just averted the birds and the bees talk. 20 or so minutes go by and Johnny spots 2 horses going at it and yells, "mom, those two horses are having a fish fry." The mom cracked a grin and said, "that's correct, they are having a fish fry." After the long weekend stay in the country they returned home Sunday at noon. At 9:00 pm Johnny's mom and dad tucked him in and wished him sweet dreams. The dad chased the mom back to their room and locked the door. The mom was already naked on the bed before he could blink. They fucked for about a hour, until he filled her pussy with a massive cream pie. After all the panting and hard breathing subsided, the mom heard Johnny playing the video game down stairs. She quickly wiped her crotch and put on a short robe, and flew down the stairs. She yelled, "what on earth are you doing out of bed. You have school tomorrow!" Johnny looked up at his mother and said, "you and dad were making to much noise at the fish fry to s-l-e-e-p." The mom yelled, "why would you even think that we would be having a fish fry Johnny?" Johnny smiled and said, "mom I'm not stupid, but correct me if I'm wrong, but you still have tartar sauce running down your leg."

Due to the cost of living crisis and massive tax rises, my wife and I have decided not to have kids. So we're kicking them out tomorrow.

What's the difference between a pussy and a fridge? A fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out!

Why will you never starve in the desert? Because of the sand-which-is there

my friend's dog ate a bunch of scrabble tiles, he took it to the vet, no word yet

Q. Why did the hippie not believe in the Mississippi?
A. Hippies don´t marry

Q. What would I see if I had a ten ich dick growing out of my forehead?
A. Nothing, the balls would block my view

There are 3 unwritten laws of life:
1.
2.
3.

Did you know that Paul Walker had dandruff?

I didn't either until I saw his head and shoulders in the glove compartment

How do you know which Sicilian girl is still a virgin? The one who can run faster than all her brothers.

My girlfriend told me I had a model penis. I thought that was great until I looked it up and it said "a smaller replica of the real thing."

What do you call the black guy who's flying the plane?

The pilot, you fuckin racist.

What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord ?

How do you get 4 gay guys on a bar stool? Turn it upside down!!!! LOL

whats better than a dozen roses on a piano

answer tulips (two lips)on an organ

Liz Truss

What is the worst thing about eating a vegetable?

The wheelchair!

The pretty lesbians next door gave me a rolex for my birthday, which was nice, but i think they misunderstood me when i said i wana watch

Paddy goes into Wetherspoons( pub chain uk)and asks a member of bar staff how much the cocktails are.

She said" £4 a glass and £10 for a pitcher

Paddy said "Why would I want my photo taken with a drinklol

Morris & his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Esther alway replied, "I know Morris , but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars".
One year Esther & Morris wnet to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance".
To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word, I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."
Morris & Esther agree & up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over & over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris & said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed


Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars😂

A vicar had just finished evensong and was walking home when he inadvertently strayed into a red light district. Passing an alleyway, he heard a bloke say "how much for a blow job?" and a woman answered "fifty quid." The vicar was somewhat bemused but carried on and five minutes later passed another alleyway when he heard another bloke say "how much for a blow job?" and another woman answered "fifty quid". The vicar was now quite intrigued as he had no idea what a blow job is, then he had a brainwave. "I know," he said to himself, "I'll stop off at the abbey and ask my friend the Reverend Mother, she'll know the answer." He arrived at the abbey and went into the office where the Reverend Mother sat behind her desk. "Reverend Mother," said the vicar, "may I ask a question?" "Of course," said the Reverend Mother". "What's a blow job?" asked the vicar, "Fifty quid," the Reverend Mother replied, "same as it is in town."


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A bloke went into hospital to have his appendix taken out. On the day of the operation, the chief surgeon was giving a lesson to a student surgeon who started to open the guy up when the scalpel slipped in her hand and accidentally chopped the bloke's balls off. "Oh dear," said the student surgeon, "what are we going to do? Can't let him walk around like that, he'll think he's deformed. "These things happen" said the chief surgeon but then the nurse chipped in and said: "Well sir, there'a jar of pickled onions in the cupboard, if we sow a couple on afterwards, he'll never know the difference." After the guy's appendix was taken out, the nurse reached in the jar and selected the two biggest pickled onions she could find and they were sown on just underneath the guy's dick and he was then wheeled back to the ward. Couple of days later, the surgeon was doing his rounds and went up to the bloke. "Good morning, Mr. Smith, how are you feeling now?" "Not too bad
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A bloke went into hospital to have his appendix taken out. On the day of the operation, the chief surgeon was giving a lesson to a student surgeon who started to open the guy up when the scalpel slipped in her hand and accidentally chopped the bloke's balls off. "Oh dear," said the student surgeon, "what are we going to do? Can't let him walk around like that, he'll think he's deformed. "These things happen" said the chief surgeon but then the nurse chipped in and said: "Well sir, there'a jar of pickled onions in the cupboard, if we sow a couple on afterwards, he'll never know the difference." So after the guy's appendix was taken out, the nurse reached in the jar and selected the two biggest pickled onions she could find and they were sown on just underneath the guy's dick and he was then wheeled back to the ward. Couple of days later, the surgeon was doing his rounds and went up to the bloke. "Good morning, Mr. Smith, how are you feeling now?" "Not too bad, thanks," said the bloke "but there's just one thing that's puzzling me." "What's that?" asked the surgeon. "Well," replied the bloke, "you know when your dick gets hard every time you see a sexy woman in nice tight clothing?" "Yes", replied the doctor. "Well," replied the bloke, "I get a hard-on every time I see a cheese sandwich."


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Don't know what went wrong there. Sorry.

I upset my Jehovah Witness brother-in-law yesterday, he tried telling me a knock-knock joke and I just ignored it.

An Englishman and and Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman,That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

That’s just simple thievery,the Irishman replies. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.

The Irishman proceeds to call out the owner of the bakery and says, “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner is intrigued, so he comes over to see the he Irishman asks him for a bun and then proceeds to eat it. He asks two more times, and after he has eaten both buns, the owner says “OK, my friend; where’s the magic trick,

The Irishman then says,Look in the Englishman’s pockets...

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? AIDS

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, Hang on You're a duck.I see your eyes are working,replies the duck. And you can talk exclaims the barman. I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please Certainly, sorry about that, says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything
Sounds marvellous, says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call.
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.
I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck
Where is it
At the circus,says the barman.
The circus?" repeats the duck.
That's right, replies the barman.
The circus?" the duck asks again. “That place with the big tent,
Yeah," the barman replies.
With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
Of course,the barman replies.
And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says …..
What the f*** would they want with a plasterer

Termite walks into a bar, says , where is the bar tender ?

Paddy confides in his best mate that he can't satisfy his wife in bed. His mate says maybe she's getting too hot and suggests taking a fan into the bedroom. Paddy says he hasn't got a fan but asks his mate if he would stand by the bed and flap a towel to help keep her cool. He agrees and the three of them head to the bedroom. It soon becomes apparent to his mate that Paddy is the problem, he just can't fuck! After half an hour his mate suggests that they swop places so Paddy takes charge of the towel and begins flapping as his mate fucks his wife. Almost straight away she is screaming in orgasmic pleasure. He fucks her on the bed, over a chair, on the dressing table, on the floor, then 69 each other and fuck some more before collapsing exhausted in a heap. Paddy, looking extremely pleased with himself, turns to his mate and says "That my friend, is how to flap a fucking towel"

My wife’s company used to send her out of state occasionally. The first time this happened, early on in our relationship, I decided to send flowers to her place of work. So I went to a florist shop. After choosing the display I wanted to send, I went to the cashier to pay and and give the address where they should be sent. “How do you want the card signed?” she asked.

Thinking to keep a bit of spice in the nascent relationship, I said, “Just leave it blank.”

She got angry at that; her jaw tightened. “Sir,” she intoned, “We do NOT send out flowers without some sort of signature; not from THIS shop. I need at least your first name. WHAT IS YOUR NAME?”

Well, I could see I was defeated on that issue, so I said, “OK – my name is Anon.” (I made it rhyme with “cannon.”)

“Anon?” she repeated. “I’ve never heard of that name. How do you spell it?”

“A, N, O, N,” I told her. She gave me a slight nod of superiority and wrote it down.

My wife still has the card.

My Dear Wife, you will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not be upset that I will be spending the evening at the Comfort Inn Hotel with Chantelle, my 18-year-old secretary. Please don't be upset. I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a mathematics teacher. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant Rugby coach. He is young, virile, and (like your secretary) 18 years old. As a successful businessman with a mathematical brain, you will understand that we are in the same situation, but with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow!!!

Anytime I was out with my uncle and we came across an effeminate man, He would look at me and say " That man could put a lisp in the word cracker

A flasher exposes himsemlf to three old ladies sitting on a park bench.

The first lady has a stroke, the second one had a stroke and fainted.

The third lady wouldn't touch it

Why do wolves make bad co-workers.

Because they're always on Howliday.


Also because they eat all the doghnuts that Ted brings in.