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Started by #423718 [Ignore] 26,Feb,14 03:52
Tell Us A Joke, Make Us Laugh....

New Comment       Rating: 5  


Comments:
By leopoldij [Ignore] 27,Apr,18 11:14 other posts 
Q: What’s the difference between my car's tire and 365 used condoms?

A: One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.


______


Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?


A: Kick his s1ster in the jaw.


_____


Q: What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?

A: Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

______


Q: Why do women have orgasms?

A: Just another reason to moan, really.


By #61033 26,Apr,18 14:36
Men's Pearls of Wisdom


🌾1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.


🌾2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.


🌾3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.


🌾4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'


🌾5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.


🌾6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.


🌾7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.


🌾8. Virginity can be cured.


🌾9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.


🌾10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.


🌾11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.


🌾12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sl.eep with the enemy.


🌾13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?

A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.


🌾14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......


🌾15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?

A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't


🌾16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.


🌾17. Despite the old saying, ' Don 't take your troubles to bed', many men still sl.eep with their wives!!


🌾18. Breasts are proof that men can focus on 2 things at a time
By leopoldij [Ignore] 26,Apr,18 17:47 other posts 
Man, 95% of them are brilliant!
Thanks!
By DJS [Ignore] 27,Apr,18 07:04 other posts 
Excellent,


By leopoldij [Ignore] 26,Apr,18 17:42 other posts 
The earth is a sphere, what a joke! /forum/thread.php?id=25895#264


By #61033 26,Apr,18 14:47
Did you hear about the Egyptian mummy they found embalmed in chocolate and nuts? They think it is Pharoah Rocher...


By #482237 24,Apr,18 10:35
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look and says, "what is this??? A joke??"


By kebmo [Ignore] 22,Apr,18 03:59 other posts 
BEAUTY PARLOUR
A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS
The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.

INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN
A grape with a sunburn.

S3CRET
A story you tell to one person at a time.

TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES
Something other people have similar to my character lines.

OLD
I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?". And that, my friend, is the definition of old.

In youth, the days are short and the years are long. In old age, the years are short and days long.


By DJS [Ignore] 16,Aug,17 06:42 other posts 
A woman was standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.
A homeless drunk stopped and mumbled,
If you're about to kill yourself, how about a shag before you go
The woman was angry and said,
Now FK Off you filthy old bastard.
The tramp turned to leave and said,

No problems, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then
By Andthisisme [Ignore] 16,Aug,17 16:07 other posts 
I am afraid that did make me laugh.
By DJS [Ignore] 30,Aug,17 11:35 other posts 
By #536760 17,Aug,17 01:17
By DJS [Ignore] 26,Sep,17 08:44 other posts 
By leopoldij [Ignore] 26,Sep,17 12:58 other posts 
I've heard that before and it is funny.
By DJS [Ignore] 28,Sep,17 09:56 other posts 
Old one,s are the best leo
By leopoldij [Ignore] 28,Sep,17 12:43 other posts 
I didn't say otherwise. I agree. Older ones have withstood the test of time.
By #505228 21,Apr,18 03:48
That is Gold Laughed so bloody hard
By #545732 21,Apr,18 03:50
By DJS [Ignore] 21,Apr,18 08:12 other posts 


By leopoldij [Ignore] 24,Aug,17 06:37 other posts 
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."

The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"

The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"
By kebmo [Ignore] 21,Apr,18 07:37 other posts 


By routemaster [Ignore] 21,Apr,18 00:20 other posts 
Did you hear about the dog that got arrested for cocking his leg to have a piss?

He asked for 100 other fences to be taken into consideration.

* * * *


By Tinkertrain517 [Ignore] 19,Apr,18 09:29 other posts 
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the

custody of their **** posed a problem. The mother

leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since

she brought the **** into this world, she should

retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of

his ****, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair

and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a

vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi

belong to me or the machine?"

---------------------------------------------------------

A man walked into a bar and ask the barmaid " How much for a Slow Confortable Screw?" And she said " $3.50" and I said "Oh, That cheap?"

-----------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the restaurant that promotes safe sex? They write the bill on a condom so you can wine and dine your date, and then stick her with the bill.

-----------------------------------------------------------

A man walks in to a restaurant and the waitress asks "Can I get you anything" and he says " Yea I'll have a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead" she said " I ment to eat" and he said "So did I"


By whatsupcocks [Ignore] 19,Apr,18 05:22 other posts 
THE CANDY BAR JOKE 😄😄😄 One day MR.Goodbar wanted a Bit-of-Honey so he took MS.Hershey behind the Power House on 5th Avenue were he began to fill her Mounds which were Almond Joy.She let out a Snicker as his Big Hunk slid up here Milky Way.The results were a Baby Ruth


By #550094 09,Feb,18 21:13
On a cold winter day, we all can
see your vapor when you breath, exhale, and speak...

THANK THE FUCKIN GODS WE CAN'T SEE VAPOR WHEN YOU FART.



By leopoldij [Ignore] 08,Feb,18 21:46 other posts 
The President of the United States wrote a one page letter yesterday in flawless English that contained no mistakes at all.


By #545732 08,Feb,18 16:58
It's believed that most people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but lots of people in Abu Dhabi do.


By #548364 08,Feb,18 16:55
Man walks into a bar with a Giraffe and they spend the whole evening drinking.

Man goes to leave, barman shouts: Hey, you can´t leave that lyin´there.

Man: it´s not a Lion, it´s a Giraffe


By routemaster [Ignore] 08,Feb,18 01:41 other posts 
I'd never go out with a tennis player. Love means nothing to them


By leopoldij [Ignore] 26,Jan,18 04:01 other posts 
Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

 Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A: A wet nose.

 Q: What is the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist?
A: A Genealogist looks up your family tree, whereas a Gynecologist looks up your family bush.


By leopoldij [Ignore] 24,Jan,18 11:16 other posts 
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
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And another one
______________________
A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice.” The priest says, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?” “Never Father, I’m Jewish.” “So then, why are you telling me?” “I’m telling everybody!”
By DeepThroatThis [Ignore] 25,Jan,18 19:02 other posts 
Awesome thanks for posting
By leopoldij [Ignore] 25,Jan,18 20:15 other posts 
WELCOME!


By #549188 25,Jan,18 00:37
A girl went fishing with two guys and came back with a red snapper...
By leopoldij [Ignore] 25,Jan,18 09:26 other posts 
She deserved it.


By routemaster [Ignore] 23,Jan,18 10:23 other posts 
Archaeologists recently uncovered the remains of an Egyptian mummy, covered in chocolate. An expert identified the remains as definitely being those of Pharaoh Rocher.


By routemaster [Ignore] 16,Jan,18 23:46 other posts 
I once went out with an inflatable doll but when I ended it, I let her down gently


By #545929 18,Dec,17 23:33
Dentist: You are going to feel a small prick in your mouth.
Me: Don't you want to buy me dinner first?
Hygienist:
Me:
Dentist:

I'm not allowed back there any more


By routemaster [Ignore] 18,Dec,17 19:43 other posts 
Did you hear about the Scrabble champion who had his title taken away when it was found out he had been cheating?

He was lost for words

* * * *


By leopoldij [Ignore] 25,Nov,17 07:40 other posts 
Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drvg dealer?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.


By routemaster [Ignore] 06,Oct,17 17:33 other posts 
The next James Bond film is to be set in an opticians.
Its going to be called "For Four Eyes Only".

* * * *

Did you hear about the politician who sat on a microphone?
He was talking out of his arse.

* * * *
By leopoldij [Ignore] 06,Oct,17 17:40 other posts 
Big deal! Do you know of any politician who doesn't do that?


By #485312 03,Oct,17 23:46
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
By #536760 04,Oct,17 02:10
By DJS [Ignore] 05,Oct,17 06:56 other posts 


By DJS [Ignore] 05,Oct,17 06:53 other posts 
Sad news. I've just heard that the bloke who invented predictive text has pissed away. His funfair is next monkey.


A clown held the door open for me the other day.


It was a nice jester.


I saw a loaf in a cage at the ****. the other day. Apparently it was bread in captivity...


Did you here about the scarecrow who won a lifetime achievement award, he was OUTSTANDING in his field


By DJS [Ignore] 27,Sep,17 04:36 other posts 
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.
Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl
Grandma replied, Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck em' dry.
The policeman fainted.
By #536760 27,Sep,17 18:21
By DJS [Ignore] 28,Sep,17 09:55 other posts 


By leopoldij [Ignore] 26,Sep,17 14:20 other posts 
A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror… She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.” The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
By #536760 26,Sep,17 18:03


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