Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
did you hear that Ruger is making a new pistol? yea... it will be called the congressman in honor of the house of representatives and the Senate. it doesnt work and you can't fire it.....
After a restaurant had closed for the night, a thief broke in and stole all the salt, pepper and vinegar. Police say they are looking for a seasoned criminal
These were posted on an Australian tourism website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humor (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA)
A: Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .......
Aust-ra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA)
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is ****.
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-ica, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? ( France)
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
I'm ashamed, but not surprised, to see some of my countrymen in that list. I'm hoping they're maybe Scottish, Welsh, or from Northern Ireland, and not England.
Old woman come to the doctor with a knife stabbed in her knee. The doctor ask her what happened? She answers: " I tried to kill myself and people said that best and most secure thing to do is to stab the knife two fingers below tits"
P.s. English is not my native language so hope you will understand...
Girl runs home from school and says: "mummy, I've been doing cartwheels in the playground today in front of all the boys. They say I'm ever so good at it."
"Oh you silly girl," replies her mother, "don't you realise all those boys want to see are your knickers?"
"Of course, mummy," the girl replies, "I ain't stupid. That's why I took them off and put them in my bag."
I walked into a pet shop and asked the clerk that I would like to buy a wasp, she said we do not sell wasps then I said but you have one inside the window though
A man goes to the doctor:
"I want a castration"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes"
"Did you talk with your wife about that?"
"Yes, she send me here! Always going 'now go to the doctor and get your castration finally!'"
After the castration he comes home.
Wife: "Did you get your vaccination?"
"Vaccination! That was the word!!"
George Michael was out cruising the woods one night. As he dropped his trousers and bent over the fallen down branch of a tree, an absent-minded bar of chocolate found its way into his arsehole. It was a careless Whispa
Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night.
Picked her up in a night club. sHe Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman.
Even kissed like a woman.
But as we arrived back at her apartment, she reversed her car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement.
That's when I thought. Hang about
These two old lady died and went to heaven when they got there there ran into each other the first one says how did you die and she says i froze to death the other lady said thats awful and then she said not really you get a warm feeling then you go to ****.
The first lady asked how you die she said i came home home sure of my husband cheating on me and just knew he had another woman in the house so i ran upstairs looking in all the closets and under the beds then i ran down stairs looking in the basement by time i got back up stairs i was exhausted and kild over dead of a massive heart attack.
the first woman said if you would have looked in the fridgerator we both would still be alive.
A: A mockingbird!
A: A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
A: Not every kerb crawler has been up the Eiffel Tower
Q: What's the difference between a prostitute's legs and the Windmill Theatre?
A: Nothing, because they're both never closed
* * * *
A: Not everyone eats parsley.
Friend: Man, the place would be better, if there wernt so many queers.
Ron: Okay, next time you have a thought, just let it go. And listen to me, when I say this. We're ALL gay. It's to what exent are you gay.
Friend: Thats bullshit, im not gay at all.
Ron: Yeah you are, and i can prove it.
Friend: Fine, prove it.
Ron: Okay, do you like porn?
Friend: Yeah I love porn you know that.
Ron: Okay, do you only watch the scenes with two women together?
Friend: No, I'll watch a man and a woman makin' love.
Ron: Okay, do you prefer the guy to have a small, half-flaccid penis?
Friend: No, I like big hard throbbin' COCKS................I did not know that about myself.
Pack his lunch and send him to work....
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
* * * *
________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA)
A: Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .......
Aust-ra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA)
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is ****.
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-ica, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? ( France)
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
P.s. English is not my native language so hope you will understand...
Well hung.....
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur ?
Ilickalotofpuss......
"Oh you silly girl," replies her mother, "don't you realise all those boys want to see are your knickers?"
"Of course, mummy," the girl replies, "I ain't stupid. That's why I took them off and put them in my bag."
* * * * *
A passing guy stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"
The woman said "Hell no... get away from me... you’re a sicko!"
The guy turned to leave and muttered
"Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."
What happened when the two antennas got married?
Answer:
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great!
We stood staring for a couple of seconds, before my ex asked ''Aren't you going to help''?
''No'', I replied, ''It looks like they're managing ok''.
"I want a castration"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes"
"Did you talk with your wife about that?"
"Yes, she send me here! Always going 'now go to the doctor and get your castration finally!'"
After the castration he comes home.
Wife: "Did you get your vaccination?"
"Vaccination! That was the word!!"
A. Wedding cake
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I shagged a hooker called Penny – spooky or what
Picked her up in a night club. sHe Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman.
Even kissed like a woman.
But as we arrived back at her apartment, she reversed her car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement.
That's when I thought. Hang about
''Get out,'' I said, ''I'm fucking my girlfriend''.
Its going to be called Tutte's Cozy Fanny
* * * *
He'd fallen asleep in the chemist shop.
* * * *
The first lady asked how you die she said i came home home sure of my husband cheating on me and just knew he had another woman in the house so i ran upstairs looking in all the closets and under the beds then i ran down stairs looking in the basement by time i got back up stairs i was exhausted and kild over dead of a massive heart attack.
the first woman said if you would have looked in the fridgerator we both would still be alive.
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