1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks the slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from Britain would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14. God gave you toes as devices for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Traffic warning: a large hole has opened up in the middle of the road.

Experts are looking into it

I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered "They're right behind you".

The police came by my house and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes!

She danced like nobody was watching but people were watching and she looked like bees were attacking her.

A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm one is much more unpleasant.

Two blondes walk into a building. You'd think that one of them would have seen it.

Catholic priests would go into the confesional and they would be asked, "Father, have you sinned?" And they would answer, "Nun yesterday, nun today."

Catholic priest had to abstain from eating red meat on Fridays, so, they had Nun

This had me on the floor... Enjoy!

only registered users can see external links

I used to be addicted to punching nuns in the stomach but lately I've been trying to kick the habit.

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.”
The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”
Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”
Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.”

A hard-of-hearing student went home from school and baked a pie. She cut it in half and took one half to a shop in Scunthorpe and the other half to a shop in Grimsby. When asked by the shop owners why, the student replied: "My maths teacher said I had to take pie to the nearest two dismal places."

'I've had bad luck with both my wives
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
-James Holt McGavra

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
-Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
-Henny Youngman

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy : 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
-Anonymous

After the honeymoon, Tom was welding some stuff in the garage for fun.

His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally said: "Honey, I've just

been thinking; now that we are married, maybe you don't need to spend

so much of your time out here in your garage and could consider

selling some of your machinery and stuff ... like your gun collection,

fishing gear, boat, and lose all those stupid model airplanes. And

sell that vintage hot rod sports car, and dump that home brewing kit"

Tom got a horrified look on his face and silently stared at her.

She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He replied, "Nothing, really... but for a minute there, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife?!" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"

Tom replied, “I wasn’t...

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.

Madonna fell down some stairs at the Brit Awards recently because her dress was too tight. She blames the Material Girl.

Steven Wright:

I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.”

His mind sees things differently than most of us do.
Here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend . . . but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

My dog keeps chasing People on a bicycle. So i´ve decided to lock up his bicycle.

Ever heard the saying:

Either you have a cucumber in your Hand

Or someone else has it up your arse

CALLER:

Is this Gordon's Pizza?

GOOGLE:
No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER:
I must have dialled a wrong number. Sorry.

GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER:

My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:

According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called
you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage,
pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER:
OK! That’s what I want …

GOOGLE:

May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula,
sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER:
What? I detest vegetable!.

GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER:
How the hell do you know!

GOOGLE:

Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical
records. We have the result of your **** tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:

Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take
medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication
regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30
cholesterol tablets once, at **** RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER:
I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER:
I paid in cash.

GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought
them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!!!

GOOGLE:
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention
of helping you.

CALLER:

Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter,
WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet,
cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me
or spy on me.

GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It
expired 6 weeks ago…

Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”
Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”
Doctor: “Every two hours.”

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a
tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet
needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife
to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up
and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

Hey,

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2019 Super Bowl, both box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at Holy Cross Church, on Lake Ave at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too.....She'll be the one in the white dress.

IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

Did you hear about the prostitute that turned poet? She went from bed to verse.

why do people love to eat refined beans so much?

Because they love to take bubble baths.

Boyfriend vs Husband: Computer Tech Support...

The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship to her husband), presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people's love advice was hilarious and genius!

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate

The response came weeks later.

Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command I Thought You Loved Me.html, and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta version. Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources. In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.
Good Luck!

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. - George Burns

BLONDE  IN ALABAMA CHURCH...


An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.

This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.

Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?

Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.

I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

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♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦ Money talks... all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a D-cup bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"

♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

♦ My 65 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.

♦ Denny's has a slogan, "If it's your birthday, the meal is on us." If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, the chances are excellent that your life sucks!

♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.

♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

♦ Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because almost nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T. Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk ALL the time.

Two men are putting up shelves getting a shop ready at the airport
They decide to take tea break
One guy says to the other "I bet some stupid tourist opens the door to see what were selling"
Sure enough, a minute later a Japanese tourist pops his head in
"What you sell" he says
One of the guys looks at him with a grimace and says "arseholes were selling arseholes"
The Japanese guys replies "Ahh your doing velly well, only 2 left"

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.

An old lady went to the Bank of America with a large bag full of money

She insisted on speaking to the president of the Bank in order to open a savings account because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After much discussion an employee took her to the office of the president.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit.

She said $165,000.

Curious, he asked her how she had saved such a large sum of money.

The old lady said she made bets.

The president, quite surprised, asked: “What kind of bets?”

The old lady said: “For example, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square”.

The president started to laugh and pointed out that this kind of bet was impossible to win.

The old lady replied: “Would you like to make a bet?”

“Certainly”, answered the president, “I can guarantee you that my testicles are not square”.

The old lady then said to him:

“Given the size of the bet, I’ll come back tomorrow at 10am with my lawyer as a witness, if that’s ok with you”.

“No problem” said the president.

That evening, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of his mirror examining his testicles, turning them in all directions, again and again, in order to make sure that his testicles could not be seen as square and therefore be sure to win this bet.

On the next day, 10am sharp, the old lady arrived with her lawyer at the president's office.

The president then dropped his trousers so that she and her lawyer could see everything.

The old lady came closer and said that given the amount money involved, she needed to touch them to be completely certain. The president agreed and the old lady, smiling, started examining his testicles.

At that point the president looked up to see the lawyer banging his head against the wall.

“What's his problem?”, he asked the old lady.

To which she answered: “I bet him $100,000 that at around 10am today I would be holding the testicles of the president of the Bank of America in my hand.”

Q. What would you see if you had a ten Inch dick growing out of your forehead?

A. Nothing, your balls are in the way

THIS JUST IN: It's been reported that a prison bus has collided with a cement mixer. Citizens should be on the lookout for twenty-one hardened criminals!