What did the blind man say to the other blind man?........long time no see I tried

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

My wife is such a lousy housekeeper that every time I want to piss in the sink it's full of dirty dishes.

Q - Anyone here about the man who didn't know the difference between urine and semen?

A - He never knew if he was cuming or going!

Bloke goes into a chemist and asks where the tampons are.
The assistant directs him towards the feminine hygiene section.
Five minutes later he goes to the counter with a bag of cotton wool and a toilet roll.
The assistants asks him 'I thought you wanted tampons, to which the bloke replied
Yesterday I sent my mrs out to pick me up a pack of 20 cigs, she came back with a pouch of baccy and a packet of papers. Lets see how she likes rolling her own.

Changing standards.

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Three Friends an Italian a German and a Greek they decided to bet it's other 100 euros who is going to make their wives scream more from sex.
So they all go home to have sex with their wives so they make them scream.
The next day the meet.

The Italian says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours."

The German says, "That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."

The Greek says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes,
I came a couple times I wiped my dick in the curtain and she still screaming.

A father and son walk into a bar and the dad says to the son. "What do you want fathead?"
The son stumbles on his words and the father again says, "What do you want fathead?"
A lady close by says, "Why do you keep calling your son fathead".
And he replies, "Well lady there are 3 things a man has to have in his life to be a successful man. Number one you got to have a big truck, see my truck over There? Biggest truck in the county. Second. You got to have a big house. See that house down up the street? That's mine, the house biggest house in the county. And thirdly you have to have a tight pussy, and I had one till this fathead came along."

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out; he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to pull out my penis, go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"

"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

A man asks his wife during a 25 marriage anniversary:

- Darling, have you been unfaithful to me?

- Yes, honey, three times.

- When was the first time?

- Do you remember the situation when you went to a bank, but nobody would give you any credit? And finally the CEO of the bank himself signed the credit allowance to you.

- Thanks, darling. And when was the second time?

- Do you remember when you were very ill and nobody would agree to make the surgery for you? And finally the head of the department took care of you?

- Thank you darling, you saved my life. And with whom have you been unfaithful to me for the third time?

- Do you remember when you were a candidate to the position of city mayor and you were missing 36 votes?

A washed up actor hasn't gotten a job in years. He has lost his ability to remember lines. But after looking for work for a very long time, finally he gets the lead role in a Broadway musical.

When he arrives at the theater the director tells him, "You have the most important part, but you only have one line. You walk onto stage with a rose; bring it close to your nose with your thumb, index, and middle fingers; and sniff it deeply. Then you will say, 'Oh, the smell of my lover.'"

When it comes time for him to say his line he walks onto stage and says, "Oh, the smell of my lover." With this the crowd begins to laugh hysterically and the director explodes with anger.

The actor runs off stage and asks, "Did I forget my lines?"

The director replies, "No! You forgot the flower."

Here's a joke:
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Woman living near top floor of high rise appartment building was flapping her area rug over the edge of her balcony. A gust of wind blows and pulls her right over.

She is falling to her death, and a man a few floors down saw her and caught her. She says "omg thank you so much!!" and he says "will you blow me for catching you?" She says "NO!" so he drops her.

She is falling to her death again, and a man many floors down, heard her scream before and catches her. She again profusely thanks the man and then he says "Well, then will you fuck me?". She exclaims "No of course not!" And he drops her.

She is falling, surely to her death this time, and she starts to pray when another man catches her. Right away she says "I'll suck you, I'll fuck you!!!"

He says "Slut..." and drops her.

Sarah Palin and Donald Trump-both are a joke worth not repeating

This is a good one I copied from another thread:

Man asked his wife "Why do you never tell me when you orgasm" , she said I don't like ringing you at work".

Two men visit a prostitute. The first man goes into the bedroom. He comes out ten minutes later and says, ‘Heck. My wife is better than that.’ The second man goes in. He comes out ten minutes later and says, ‘You know? Your wife IS better.’

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

And god promised the men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world, then he made the earth round....and laughed and laughed and laughed
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The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

A slighty drunk woman was watching tv and keeps yelling "dont go in there dont go into the church you stupid bitch"
Her husband asks her what are you watching? Our wedding video she responds.

I'll SHOW you a joke today:
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This gentleman is trying to get the additional benefits of a massage but the masseuse does not seem to engage.

Marriage: Betting someone half of everything that you'll love them for the rest of your life
*lix*

Did you hear there's to be a new South American film version of the musical "Grease?"

The female lead is to be played by Bolivia Newton-John

* * * * *

Two ladies met at the pearly gates and started talking.
1st woman says 'Hi! My name is Sherry'.
2nd woman says 'Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die'?
'I froze to death' says the 1st woman
'Thats horrible!' say the 2nd woman
'It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?'
'I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV'.
'So, what happened'? asked the 1st woman.
2nd woman says 'I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, & finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.'
'Well too bad you didn't look in the freezer or we'd both still be alive.'

*lix*

Recently there was a vote for the Joke of the Year at the Edinburgh Fringe 2015. This was the top10:

1: Darren Walsh: “I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans-free.”

2: Stewart Francis: “Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse... but enough about Kanye West.”

3: Adam Hess: “Surely every car is a people carrier?”

4: Masai Graham: “What’s the difference between a ‘hippo’ and a ‘Zippo’? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.”

5: Dave Green: “If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn’t go.”

6: Mark Nelson: “Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas.”

7: Tom Parry: “Red sky at night. Shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night. Day.”

=8: Alun Cochrane: “The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.”

=8: Simon Munnery: “Clowns divorce. Custardy battle.”

10: Grace The ****: “They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for...”

A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
*lix*

2 old people having oral sex, the old man says, 'l cant stay down here too long, it stinks', the old lady replies to him, 'its my arthritis'....the old man says, 'theres no such thing as arthritis in your vagina'.....'NO' says the old lady, 'its in my shoulder, l cant wipe my arse'
*lix*

Q: What do you call a cowboy with no legs?

A: A low down bum


The old ones are the best!

What do you call a vegan guy who likes to pleasure himself?
A non-dairy creamer.

Why are all lesbians vegetarian?
Because they don't eat meat.

What do you call a vegan guy who likes to pleasure himself?
A non-dairy creamer.

a blokes missus packed his bags and as he walked out the front door, she screamed....'l wish you a slow and painful death you bastard'
'oh' he replied, 'so you want me to fucking stay now'
*lix*

a friend opened a strip club called 'the G spot'
after a week he had to close it as most men couldn't find it
*lix*