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Started by #423718 [Ignore] 26,Feb,14 03:52
New Comment Rating: 5 Similar topics: 1.===== Joke Of The Day ===== 2.Anybody got a good joke! 3.small hands 4.Joke Central 5.It just a joke Comments: | ||
A - He never knew if he was cuming or going!
The assistant directs him towards the feminine hygiene section.
Five minutes later he goes to the counter with a bag of cotton wool and a toilet roll.
The assistants asks him 'I thought you wanted tampons, to which the bloke replied
Yesterday I sent my mrs out to pick me up a pack of 20 cigs, she came back with a pouch of baccy and a packet of papers. Lets see how she likes rolling her own.
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So they all go home to have sex with their wives so they make them scream.
The next day the meet.
The Italian says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours."
The German says, "That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."
The Greek says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes,
I came a couple times I wiped my dick in the curtain and she still screaming.
The son stumbles on his words and the father again says, "What do you want fathead?"
A lady close by says, "Why do you keep calling your son fathead".
And he replies, "Well lady there are 3 things a man has to have in his life to be a successful man. Number one you got to have a big truck, see my truck over There? Biggest truck in the county. Second. You got to have a big house. See that house down up the street? That's mine, the house biggest house in the county. And thirdly you have to have a tight pussy, and I had one till this fathead came along."
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out; he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to pull out my penis, go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
- Darling, have you been unfaithful to me?
- Yes, honey, three times.
- When was the first time?
- Do you remember the situation when you went to a bank, but nobody would give you any credit? And finally the CEO of the bank himself signed the credit allowance to you.
- Thanks, darling. And when was the second time?
- Do you remember when you were very ill and nobody would agree to make the surgery for you? And finally the head of the department took care of you?
- Thank you darling, you saved my life. And with whom have you been unfaithful to me for the third time?
- Do you remember when you were a candidate to the position of city mayor and you were missing 36 votes?
When he arrives at the theater the director tells him, "You have the most important part, but you only have one line. You walk onto stage with a rose; bring it close to your nose with your thumb, index, and middle fingers; and sniff it deeply. Then you will say, 'Oh, the smell of my lover.'"
When it comes time for him to say his line he walks onto stage and says, "Oh, the smell of my lover." With this the crowd begins to laugh hysterically and the director explodes with anger.
The actor runs off stage and asks, "Did I forget my lines?"
The director replies, "No! You forgot the flower."
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She is falling to her death, and a man a few floors down saw her and caught her. She says "omg thank you so much!!" and he says "will you blow me for catching you?" She says "NO!" so he drops her.
She is falling to her death again, and a man many floors down, heard her scream before and catches her. She again profusely thanks the man and then he says "Well, then will you fuck me?". She exclaims "No of course not!" And he drops her.
She is falling, surely to her death this time, and she starts to pray when another man catches her. Right away she says "I'll suck you, I'll fuck you!!!"
He says "Slut..." and drops her.
Man asked his wife "Why do you never tell me when you orgasm" , she said I don't like ringing you at work".
*lix*
Her husband asks her what are you watching? Our wedding video she responds.
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This gentleman is trying to get the additional benefits of a massage but the masseuse does not seem to engage.
*lix*
The female lead is to be played by Bolivia Newton-John
* * * * *
1st woman says 'Hi! My name is Sherry'.
2nd woman says 'Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die'?
'I froze to death' says the 1st woman
'Thats horrible!' say the 2nd woman
'It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?'
'I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV'.
'So, what happened'? asked the 1st woman.
2nd woman says 'I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, & finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.'
'Well too bad you didn't look in the freezer or we'd both still be alive.'
*lix*
1: Darren Walsh: “I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans-free.”
2: Stewart Francis: “Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse... but enough about Kanye West.”
3: Adam Hess: “Surely every car is a people carrier?”
4: Masai Graham: “What’s the difference between a ‘hippo’ and a ‘Zippo’? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.”
5: Dave Green: “If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn’t go.”
6: Mark Nelson: “Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas.”
7: Tom Parry: “Red sky at night. Shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night. Day.”
=8: Alun Cochrane: “The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.”
=8: Simon Munnery: “Clowns divorce. Custardy battle.”
10: Grace The ****: “They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for...”
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
*lix*
*lix*
*lix*
A: A low down bum
A non-dairy creamer.
Why are all lesbians vegetarian?
Because they don't eat meat.
What do you call a vegan guy who likes to pleasure himself?
A non-dairy creamer.
'oh' he replied, 'so you want me to fucking stay now'
*lix*
after a week he had to close it as most men couldn't find it
*lix*
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