I'll SHOW you a joke today:
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This gentleman is trying to get the additional benefits of a massage but the masseuse does not seem to engage.

Marriage: Betting someone half of everything that you'll love them for the rest of your life
*lix*

Did you hear there's to be a new South American film version of the musical "Grease?"

The female lead is to be played by Bolivia Newton-John

* * * * *

Two ladies met at the pearly gates and started talking.
1st woman says 'Hi! My name is Sherry'.
2nd woman says 'Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die'?
'I froze to death' says the 1st woman
'Thats horrible!' say the 2nd woman
'It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?'
'I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV'.
'So, what happened'? asked the 1st woman.
2nd woman says 'I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, & finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.'
'Well too bad you didn't look in the freezer or we'd both still be alive.'

*lix*

Recently there was a vote for the Joke of the Year at the Edinburgh Fringe 2015. This was the top10:

1: Darren Walsh: “I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans-free.”

2: Stewart Francis: “Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse... but enough about Kanye West.”

3: Adam Hess: “Surely every car is a people carrier?”

4: Masai Graham: “What’s the difference between a ‘hippo’ and a ‘Zippo’? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.”

5: Dave Green: “If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn’t go.”

6: Mark Nelson: “Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas.”

7: Tom Parry: “Red sky at night. Shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night. Day.”

=8: Alun Cochrane: “The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.”

=8: Simon Munnery: “Clowns divorce. Custardy battle.”

10: Grace The ****: “They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for...”

A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
*lix*

2 old people having oral sex, the old man says, 'l cant stay down here too long, it stinks', the old lady replies to him, 'its my arthritis'....the old man says, 'theres no such thing as arthritis in your vagina'.....'NO' says the old lady, 'its in my shoulder, l cant wipe my arse'
*lix*

Q: What do you call a cowboy with no legs?

A: A low down bum


The old ones are the best!

What do you call a vegan guy who likes to pleasure himself?
A non-dairy creamer.

Why are all lesbians vegetarian?
Because they don't eat meat.

What do you call a vegan guy who likes to pleasure himself?
A non-dairy creamer.

a blokes missus packed his bags and as he walked out the front door, she screamed....'l wish you a slow and painful death you bastard'
'oh' he replied, 'so you want me to fucking stay now'
*lix*

a friend opened a strip club called 'the G spot'
after a week he had to close it as most men couldn't find it
*lix*

l told my son that l never wanted to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle, if that ever happens, just pull the plug!!!

He got up, unplugged my computer and threw out my wine!!!

*lix*

Q: How do you make your wife scream when making love?
A: Phone her.

Q: Why do owls never make love when its raining?
A: Because its too wet to woo.

What do you call a woman with one leg?

Eileen

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter. He asks the man, “Where did you get such a big lighter?”

The man replies,”See that man playing piano over there? He’s a genie and he’ll grant you one wish.”

So the guy walks over to the genie and says, “I wish for a million bucks.” All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks.

The man walks over to the guy with the lighter and says, “That genie is a little hard of hearing isn’t he.”

The guy replies, “No kidding! You think I asked for a 14 inch Bic!”

A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"

A man goes to the doctor suffering from premature ejaculation. "Can you do anything to help me, doc?" said the man. "No, but I can give you the address of a woman who has a short attention span" replied the doctor.

Bloke went to the doctor and the doctor said: "Hello, not seen you for a long while."

"No," replied the bloke, "I've been ill."

* * * * *

Cliff Accident by Eileen Dover
How To Make Money by Robin Banks
Dog's Food by Nora Bone
The Haunted House by Major Jump

What do you call two gay guys walking down the street with a pram?

A miracle.

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, "Oi, what's your disability?"
I said, "Tourettes! Now fuck off you cunt!"

Guy went into a fish and chip shop and said to the guy behind the counter: "can you fix this broken down alarm clock?"

Guy behind the counter replied: "is this a wind up?"

* * * * *

Did you hear there's been an outbreak of bird flu in Yorkshire? You should have done, everyone's tweeting about it.

Confucius say: Man who goes to bed with itchy butt wakes up with stinky finger

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep, but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.


She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting,


Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to kip.


A few moments later she said,Then you used to kiss me.


Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to try and kip again.


Thirty seconds later she said. Then you used to bite my Neck.


Pissed off he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.


Where are you going.the wife asked


To get my fucking teeth.

A guy goes to his local clinic about a severe rash on his balls. The nurse who examines him, says You’re going to have to stop wanking,he says Why? She says Because I’m trying to examine you..

What do you find when you go down on Halle?

Did you know 80% of all Chinese have cataracts? The other 20% drive rincons and chevrolays!

At a secretarial job interview, there was only one question.
The first girl was asked;

"If you were working here, and found out that a new client have over paid our company a hundred thousand pounds, what would you do?

The girl replied, "well I would ring them and tell them of their mistake and forward a cheque to them ASAP, this will show them that they are dealing with an honest company and will have confident in future dealings with us".
Good answer murmured the directors.

Same question to the second girl.
"Well I would straight away bank the over payment and leave it to the client to contact us, only then will I repay the amount hoping while the money in our bank would make some form of interest which is good for the company".
Good answer murmured the directors.

Same question to the third and final girl.
"Well I would consult my superior and let him/her deal with such complex situation, because he/her will have much more experience then me".
Good answer murmured the directors.

Who did the company hired?

The blond with big tits and long legs.

Life is a lot like toilet paper. You're either on a roll.....or you're taking shit from some asshole..........BONG!!