A blonde bimbo went out fishing and came home with her catch. Later that evening, her boyfriend got home from work and snuggled up to her on the sofa.
"How about a bit of hanky panky, then?" asked the boyfriend.
"Not tonight," replied the blonde bimbo, "I've got a haddock."

* * * *

An elderly hard-of-hearing blonde bimbo was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. She pressed the intercom and asked in a querulous voice: "Yes, who is it?"
"Its the pizza sellers," came the reply.
"Ooh," replied the elderly hard-of-hearing blonde bimbo as she opened the door, "I thought you were ever so good in those Pink Panther films."

* * * *

Johnny is sitting outside the door where a prostitute lives. Suddenly a man comes out. “Hey, I know you!” Johnny says. The man quickly gives him $20 to shut up and gets on his way. Later that day Johnny's mum asks him where he got the money from and Johnny tells her what happened. “Johnny!” his mum says, “That's blackmail. Go to church and make a confession.” So Johnny goes to the church and enters the confession booth. The little curtain opens up and Johnny says: “Now I also know where you work.”

***

In the garden of a rectory there is a big apple tree. The priest is very proud of the nice tree and every year it is loaded with apples. But also every year, just as he wants to go harvest the fruits, all the apples get stolen. Then the priest is fat up with it and thinks: “Not this year!” So he plants a sign under the full tree: 'God sees all'. When he opens the curtains the next morning all the apples are gone and on the sign it reads: '...but he'll never tell.'

***

In a small church, during service, the people see several mice run over the altar.
- “Father, there are mice over there.”
- “I know. I've tried everything to get rid of them, but nothing works.”
An old lady raises her hand and says: “You should baptize them.”
- “Baptize? Does that work?”
- “Well, I've got 6 c-h-i-l-d-r-e-n, all baptized and they never go to church anymore.”

I was walking down the road with my friend when we saw a dog licking it's balls. My friend turned to me saying "I wish I could do that". "I'd pet him first, he looks vicious" I replied

I was walking down the street with my wife and we saw six men beating up my mother in law. The wife asks "Are you going to help?" and I reply "Six should be enough."

Dirty Joke : "A white horse , fell in the Mud" !

Clean Joke : "The Muddy Horse got Washed off , after falling into the mud" !

I'm taking the mother-in-law for a walk across the Pennines on Christmas Day. The search parties have got the day off.

* * * *

I went to the doctor and said: "doctor, can you give me something for wind?"
He gave me a kite.

* * * *

I got home the other night to find my wife crying her eyes out. I said: "what's the matter?"
"I'm homesick," she replied.
I said: "this IS your home."
"I know," she replied, "I'm sick of it."

* * * *
--------------------------------------- added after 4 minutes

My wife was looking at an advert for the world's most expensive fur coat. She said: "I've gotta have that."
So I cut the advert out and gave it to her.

* * * *

I miss the old days, when your sitting on the bus or train and you see an unattended bag and think, "i'll fucking have that!"

How many women with PMT does it take to change a light bulb.

A. three.

Why three???

BECAUSE IT JUST DOES THAT'S WHY!!!!!!

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a **** and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

David Cameron sneered down his Tory toffee-nose at a tramp and asked haughtily: "and what do you do for a living?"
"Absolutely nothing," replied the tramp.
"Ooh," replied Cameron, "what a coincidence."

* * * * *

What kind of shoes do Ninja's where?

A. Sneakers

I posted this above. But anyway, here it is again:

A guy walks into a diner and reads the menu
Cheese sandwich: $2.89
Chicken sandwich: $3.99
Handjob: $19.99
He walks up to the counter and asks the exceptionally attractive girl:
"I was wondering, are you the one who delivers the handjobs?"
"Yes darling, that's me."
The man replies "Well, wash your hands first, and give me a chicken sandwich please!"

Julian and Bruce had been a couple for many years and were deeply in love. But sadly, following a brief illness, Bruce passed away. Viewing Bruce's body for the last time in hospital the doctor asked Julian if he had any last request.
Yes, I do actually said Julian,I would like you to chop Bruce into little bits so that I can take him home and make him into a spicy curry.
The doctor is appalled by what he said.& asked why on earth would you want to do that he asked.
Julian replied I just want to feel him dribbling out of my arse one last time,

Jonathan Ross has been arrested for stealing a kitchen utensil. When questioned by police, he said: "it was a wisk worth taking."

"what's black and white and eats like a horse?"


"A zebra!"

Boys are like purses: cute, full of crap and easily replaced.

Girls are like condoms: too much time in your wallet and not enough time on your dick.

A hard-of-hearing blonde bimbo baked a pie and cut it into three separate pieces. She took one piece to Scunthorpe, another to Grimsby and the third to Barnsley. When asked by a friend why she had done this, the hard-of-hearing blonde bimbo replied: "my maths teacher told me I had to take pi to the nearest three dismal places."


* * * *

I'm through with sex....I broke up with my hand

Went in to my local pharmacy because they were advertising free condoms. Unfortunately when I got there they'd run out, apparently they were giving them away on a first 'cum' first served basis......

There was a young girl from Pratts Bottom *

Who didn't want kids but she'd got 'em

They drove her quite mad

'til one day feeling bad

She took out a gun and then shot 'em.


* For those of you not in the UK, that REALLY is a place in the County of Kent, south-east of London

A wife buys some crotch-less undies to spice up her love life. She puts them on and shows her hubby she says " you want some of this?"

"Fuck no!" says the hubby "Look what its done to your undies."

Q: If you had a donkey and I had a rooster and your donkey ate my rooster, what would you have?

A: 2 feet of my cock in your ass!

A dozen priest,are killed in an accident & arrive at the Pearly Gates.
St Peter says If any of you are Peadophile, go straight to hell,eleven off them started walking away.
St Peter shouts & Take the deaf cunt with you,

Before being ordained six priests had to stand nude with a bell to their cocks. And if anyone bell rang had no spiritual purity.A naked girl with big tits danced before each one.The first one showed no reaction,she went down the line with no response from them till she reached the last priest Ralph.Poor Ralph,while she danced he got a stiffy and his bell rang and flew off across the room.Embarrassed he ran and bent over to pick it up,then all the fucking bells rang

King Arthur and Guinevere were sitting by the fireside at Camelot one evening when Arthur said: "Sweetheart, I have to go away for a week on business tomorrow. So that's their no hanky panky between you and my knights while I'm away, I've devised a special guillotine-style chastity belt for you to wear. Anyone of them tries to molest you, they'll pay the price and get castrated."
"Oh, OK sweetheart," replied Guinevere, "whatever you say."
The next morning, with the chastity belt firmly in place around Guinevere's cunt, King Arthur went off on business. A week later, he returned and ordered all his knights to line up and drop their pants.
Arthur went along the line and everyone had been castrated - with the exception of Sir Lancelot.
"Lance," said Arthur, "I'm proud of you. You're the only one of my knights who hasn't tried to molest my wife while I've been away. In recognition of that, I'm going to give you five thousand pounds and a plot of land. What do you have to say about that?"
"Gagagagagagaga" replied Sir Lancelot.

* * * * *

This one is from a few years ago:-

Tony Blair went for a piss in the House of Commons loo and bumped into two junior MPs wanking each other off. Tony wasn't into men but he couldn't help but notice how big their dicks were.
Forgetting all about having to piss, Tony ran back down the corridor shouting: "I've found them, I've found them."
He was still whooping with delight as he passed Gordon Brown's office. Gordon stuck his head out the door and said: "Fucking hell, Tony, what's all the row about?"
"Oh Gordon," replied Tony, "I've found them, I've found them."
"Found what, for fuck sake?" asked Gordon.
"The weapons of masturbation," replied Tony.

* * * * *

Q: What's better than roses on a piano bench?
A: Tulips(two lips)on an organ.

A sex maniac sent a cheque in the post to a sex shop in Holland for an item he saw advertised on the shop's website. Unfortunately, the postman didn't read the address properly and delivered it to the house next door.

The neighbour was too curious to take it round next door, especially when he saw the parcel was from Holland. So he opened it and inside was a plastic pussy.

"Ooh look," he said, holding it up in his hands, "two lips from Amsterdam."

* * * * *

A old guy goes into a clock repair shop, and the young female assistant says can i help you sir
so he takes out his old fella and slaps it on the counter.
She says, am sorry sir,but this is a clock shop.
he says yes i no, i want you to put two hands and a face on this please..

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says,You must be a dentist.
The guy, surprised & says Yes How did you figure that out?
Easy, she said you keep washing your hands.
then one thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says,You must be a good dentist tho
The guy, now with a boosted ego says,Sure, am a good dentist, How did you figure that out?
she said i didn't feel a thing

There was a young man named Reg
Who went with a girl in a hedge
When along came his wife
With a bloody big knife
And cut off his meat and two veg.

* * * *

There was a young girl from Prestatyn
Who decided she'd like to learn latin
On her way to the class
She slipped on her arse
And swore when she saw what she'd sat in.

* * * *

There was a young girl named Matilda
Who had an affair with a builder
While getting their kicks
She knocked over his bricks
So he fucked her so hard he near killed her.

* * * *

There was a young man named Maurice
And another young man named Boris
One day they arranged
To have their sex changed
And now they're called Ethel and Doris

* * * *

There was a young man named Adam
Who didn't want balls but he had 'em
So he went for an op
Where they gave him the chop
And now all his friends call him madam.

* * * *

Paddys wife came home from work, all her sex toys are nailed to the wall in a line.
She screams You dozy Irish twat,I said I wanted a dado rail..

A girl asks her doctor how many calories there are in sperm?
Doctor says "Believe me love, if you swallow, no one cares how fat you are.

I always find a good wank is spoilt when I am watching a woman masturbate on Pornhub and then a man arrives with his big cock out and joins in.
Fuck off, Dad, and watch your own porn I said

Q: What's the cheapest meat?
A: Deer balls, they're under a buck!

Q: What's the difference between your paycheck and your wife?
A: You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and Playing with himself in front of a tractor
Mick says,Jaysus Paddy, what're ye doin
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been gettin' on in the bedroom lately & the Therapist recommended Oi do something sexy to attracter

Phone rings, woman answers.
The pervert, with heavy breathing, says,Have you got a tight
unshaven c--t
The woman replies,Yes, he,s watching telly,who shall I say is calling

Men are like vacuum cleaners. Their not very fun but at least you can push them around.

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?". The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?". The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?". The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?".