My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock.
It just reaches the back of her babysitters throat..


I was shagging this married bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door
Thinking back, I really should have legged it – but you don’t get offers like that every day.


The wife said to me last night. “If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the arse.
Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on
for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly White society.In fact he pointed out,some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural
and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.
After the curator left, a Yorkshire-man approached the couple and said, would you like to know what the painting is really about?
Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery? asked the couple.Because am the guy who painted it, he replied. In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all in this painting.
They're just three Yorkshire coal-miners. The guy in the middle just went home for lunch.

A ventriloquist sets his puppet down and begins his act by making it speak jokes about blonde bimbos. After five minutes, a blonde bimbo in the audience stands up and yells out: "What's the matter with you? All these so-called jokes about ladies just because of the colour of their hair. Don't you realise how offensive it is?"
Mortified, the ventriloquist starts to apologise profusely but again the blonde bimbo interrupts him. "Not you, dickhead," she shouts, "I'm talking to that bloke sitting on your lap."

* * * * *

If men think with their dicks? Then I want someone to blow my mind...

A man walks into a butchers shop orders some bacon then says "Where's your assistant?"
The butcher replies "I sacked him"
The man says "Sacked him ,why?"
The butcher replies "He kept sticking his dick in the bacon slicer!"
The man, shocked says "So wheres your bacon slicer??"
The butcher says "I fuckin' sacked her as well!!"

What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a bottle of Jack Daniels?


guy's will actually SEARCH for a bottle of Jack Daniels.

I once had One2One with a Virgin, she teased me till I had an Erikson, sucked me til my face went Orange, til I busted my Siemen all over her Nokias!

There once was a frog named Kermit Jagger.
One day he decided he wanted to buy a big new boat; so he went to his bank to get a loan for the boat. He took, for collateral for the loan, a very tiny miniature piano.

At the bank he went to the chief loan officer, Mr. Paddywhack, told him about his loan request, and showed him his 'collateral'.

Mr. Paddywhack was not sure what to do, so he went to the bank manager, to ask what to do, and to ask him what that 'collateral' item really is.
The bank manager replied:

"It's a knickknack, Paddywhack,
and give the Frog a loan;
his old man's a Rolling Stone."

What did the leper say to the hooker?? Keep the tip....

A Jew, a Christian, and a Muslim walk into a bar.
Bar tender takes one look at the three of them. The bartender then says "
what the hell is this some sort of joke?"

Enid Finglemaster was a REALLY UGLY ****. She used to ask all the boys in the playground: "give me a kiss or a fiver." By the time she was 12, she'd bought her own house.


* * * *


(Another of the late great Les Dawson's)


--------------------------------------- added after 21 seconds


* * * * C H I L D - for crying out loud again
--------------------------------------- added after 2 minutes

Using the same criteria, shouldn't the word "boys" be blanked out too?

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to ****. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

What's the difference between an egg and a wank? You can beat an egg but you can't beat a wank.

Q: You know what's fun about being sober? A:Nothing!

I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one.


A dyslexic guy walks into a bra!

Q: What is the definition of Confidence?

A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next Baby... !"

Why do dogs lick their balls?

Because they can!

"Son, I want to talk to you about the facts of life."


"OK, dad, what is it you want to know?"


* * * *


"Mummy, I don't like daddy's guts."


"That's all right, son, leave 'em on the side of the plate."


* * * *

What do you call the Three degrees after an orgasm ??

Wet,Wet,Wet....

My wife never stops nagging. The other day, we went for a tandem bike ride but after ten miles I thought I'd gone deaf. Then I looked round and the wife was nowhere to be seen, she'd fallen off several miles back.

(One of the late great Les Dawson's)

* * * *

Jane is called to the hospital to visit her terminally ill husband Jon for the last time. Jane he says , 'I have been told I wont make it through the night so this is the last time we will see one another'. 'Is there anything special I can do for you John ?' she asks . 'Well yes , I would like to make love to you for one last time' says John. So Jane slips into the bed and they get to it . John lies there drifting in and out of conciousness while Jane looks over him . Around 2 am he rallies and says 'I really feel like it again darling , how about it ?' . So once more they are at it , hammer & tongs . At 4 am John comes round once more and asks again . 'No John' says Jane , 'I am tired , its alright for you , you havent got to get up in the morning.'

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Fridge Freezer

I rear ended a car this morning...


I could tell it was going to be a REALLY bad day!


The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!


He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"


So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"


That's how the fight started...

Just in case you ever got these two mixed up, This should make things a bit more clear....

IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT WORK you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON you get three meals a day. AT WORK you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON you get your own toilet. AT WORK you have to share with some idiot who pees on the toilet.

IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK you can't speak to your family.

IN PRISON all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK they are called managers

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The **** seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

An Englishman,Irishman and a Scot walk into the bar...

The bartender says "Is this a joke ?"

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get that?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a camel.

The pharmacist faints.

It's a Mail Carrier's last day of service before his retirement. He walks down the street, delivering mail doorstep to doorstep as he has done everyday for the last 20 years. Approaching one house, the mailman sees a note taped to the front door that simply reads, "Mailman, please come inside".

Hesitantly, the mailman enters the house. "Hello" he says, "is anyone home?" A woman appears out of a bedroom door at the end of the hall. She's a beautiful, middle aged woman dressed in a sexy black silk teddy. Without saying a word, the woman motions for the mailman to come to the bedroom. The mailman, very confused but certainly excited, follows the woman through the door.

The woman proceeds to undress the mailman slowly, and make love to him. When the mailman is completely exhausted, the woman leads him to the kitchen, hands him a crisp one-dollar bill and begins to cook him a delicious breakfast with all the trimmings.

Still having not exchanged a single word between them, the mailman's curiosity and confusion get the best of him and he breaks the silence...

"Ma'am, I have to say, that was perhaps the best sex I've had in my entire life. And although I am eternally grateful to you for that, I must ask you...'What was that all about?"

The woman replies "Well, you've been delivering our mail everyday for some time now and I knew that today was your last day before retirement. As my husband was leaving for work this morning, I told him that I'd like to do something special for you and asked him what he thought that should be. Without hesitation, my husband said... 'Screw him! Give him a dollar.'"

The woman paused and then said...

"Breakfast was MY idea!"

Did you hear about the goldfish who looked like Hitler?
He only had one bowl.

* * * *

So I walked into this bar and five minutes later the EMTs showed up. They had to send 15 people to the hospital for stitches in their head. They asked me what happened and told them I just walked in and announced that I don't like the taste of cum. That's when they fell off their stools and hit their heads on the floor. The EMT asked what was so funny about that. I don't know, I've been giving them all blow jobs for a year now.

Have you heard the new nickname for the iphone ?

It is called the 'clit',because every cunt has to have one..