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LET'S HAVE SOME JOKES and LIMERICKS

Discussion Forum on Show It Off

Page #1

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Started by routemaster [Ignore] 29,Jan,15 13:31  other posts
We all need a laugh in these austere times and to forget for a while this mad world that we live in and the politicians who ruin it - and to brighten up the winter blues too, unless you're reading this in Australia.

Please add more if you want. Here's a few to start:-

Last month I joined a fisting club. It has really widened my circle of friends.

* * * *

My girlfriend likes it doggy-style. Its great because she fetches my paper and slippers afterwards.

* * * *

Two fat blokes went to the pub. One said to the other: "You're round."
"You can talk, you fat sod," his mate replied.

* * * *

My dentist has just been voted Dental Surgeon of the Year. But all he got was a little plaque.

* * * *

How do you get four gay men on a bar stool?
Turn it upside down.

* * * *

Dr. Watson was bent over a chair stark naked. Sherlock Holmes came up to him and shoved a lemon up his arse.
"Holmes, what are you doing?" screamed Watson.
"A lemon entry, my dear Watson," replied Sherlock.

* * * *

What do you call it when two lesbians in wheelchairs are in the sixty-nine position?
Meals on Wheels.

* * * *

What do you call a group of lesbians in a house full of dildos?
Squatters.

* * * *

From the depths of the crypt at St. Giles
Came a scream that resounded for miles
Said the vicar "Good gracious
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the bishop has piles?"

* * * *

There was a young fellow called Dirk
Who dozed off one day after work
He woke with a scream
When he had a wet dream
And polished it off with a jerk

* * * *

A lady from Texas named Jill
Used dynamite sticks for a thrill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil

* * * *

New Comment       Rating: 2  


Comments:
By routemaster [Ignore] 09,Jun,23 21:23 other posts 
There is a young man in Loughton
Who walks round all day with a pout on.
But folk think him rude
As he walks in the nude
And when he is nude he has nowt on.

By #610414 10,Jun,23 12:48
🤣👏
By routemaster [Ignore] 12,Jun,23 04:19 other posts 


By JustANormalGuy [Ignore] 09,Jun,23 08:37 other posts 
There was a young couple from Llannefydd
Who like to touch with the parts that they kissed with
Then as they grew older
And gradually bolder
They touched with the parts that they pissed with


By biggg [Ignore] 06,Jun,23 18:19 other posts 
There was a young man of Devizes
Who’s balls were of different sizes
One was so small
It was no ball at all
But the other one won several Prizes
By routemaster [Ignore] 09,Jun,23 03:31 other posts 
Did you hear about the bloke in Wiltshire who bought a whole town and refused to let anyone else go into it? He was left to his own Devizes.


By #610414 05,Jun,23 23:27
There was a young lady of Niger Who smiled as she rode on a tiger; They returned from the ride With the lady inside, And the smile on the face of the tiger.

Author unknown.


By routemaster [Ignore] 04,Jun,23 16:28 other posts 
There is a young woman in Cromer,
For an exam had to read works by Homer.
But they were so bloody boring
She ended up snoring
Before she fell into a coma.




By routemaster [Ignore] 11,Jan,17 05:31 other posts 
This story goes right to the grain
Of young Jane and her boyfriend named Shane
One day they arranged
To both have their sex changed
And now Jane is Shane and Shane's Jane.

* * * *


By routemaster [Ignore] 13,Dec,16 06:02 other posts 
Did you hear Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice are getting back together to write a musical about an Argentinian weight watcher?

Its going to be called "Ryvita".

* * * *

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
But not to fetch some water.
Jack fucked Jill
Who'd forgotten the pill
And they ended up with a daughter

* * * *


By #487013 28,Nov,16 09:53
What's the difference between a baby and a bag of blow?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let the bag of blow fall off a balcony...

Old but still funny.


By leopoldij [Ignore] 28,Nov,16 07:53 other posts 
There was a young fellow named Bliss
Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
For even with Venus
His recalcitrant penis
Would seldom do better than
t
h
i
s.


By leopoldij [Ignore] 09,Mar,15 19:35 other posts 
The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
By routemaster [Ignore] 09,Mar,15 20:03 other posts 
That is brilliant!!!
By leopoldij [Ignore] 20,Sep,15 14:04 other posts 
Yeah I like it too!
By kebmo [Ignore] 28,Nov,16 07:37 other posts 
...as you've just demonstrated.
By leopoldij [Ignore] 28,Nov,16 07:51 other posts 
Indeed... I can't hide it...
By leopoldij [Ignore] 28,Nov,16 07:50 other posts 
This is the only limerick I know by heart. Have known it for a while now...


By routemaster [Ignore] 28,Nov,16 05:57 other posts 
There was a young man named Frank
Who one day went out for a wank
He shot a big load
As he walked down the road
His balls had been full like a tank



By #485312 25,Oct,16 05:08
A Chinese doctor can’t find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads “GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.”

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: “I have lost my sense of taste.”

Chinese: “Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient’s mouth.”

Lawyer: “Ugh. this is kerosene.”

Chinese: “Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.”

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Lawyer: “I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.”

Chinese: “Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.”

Lawyer (annoyed): “This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.”

Chinese: “Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.”

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: “My eyesight has become very weak I can’t see at all.”

Chinese: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so take this $100.”

Lawyer (staring at the note): “But this is $20, not $100!!”

*lix* Copied off facebook
By leopoldij [Ignore] 25,Oct,16 06:51 other posts 
By #507249 25,Oct,16 16:47
Fucking brilliant!!! LMAO!


By leopoldij [Ignore] 25,Oct,16 06:54 other posts 
There was a Young Man from Kent
Whose rod was so long it bent.
So to save himself trouble
He bent it in double,
And instead of coming -- he went!
--------------------------------------- added after 35 seconds

A policeman from near Clapham Junction
had a penis that just would not function;
for his whole married life,
he deluded his wife,
with some snot on the end of his truncheon


By leopoldij [Ignore] 25,Oct,16 06:52 other posts 
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.


By routemaster [Ignore] 24,Oct,16 13:48 other posts 
Did you hear about the uncut guy who went for a circumcision?

It was a foreskin gone conclusion

* * * *


By #496814 21,Oct,16 05:00
One night I started to jiggle
My cock started to tickle
And before I knew
Splash; through the room it flew
I stood up but all I could was wiggle.


By routemaster [Ignore] 21,Oct,16 04:36 other posts 
Did you hear about the bloke whose car looked like a sausage?

It was an old banger.

* * * *


By #517796 20,Oct,16 02:25
There once was a girl named Lil,

Who used dynamite sticks for a thrill,

They found her vagina in South Carolina

And bits of her tits in Brazil!


By leopoldij [Ignore] 19,Oct,16 15:50 other posts 
"Although my hands are quite tiny,
I have an enormous hiney;
so I stick my head in,
predicting I’ll win,
while everyone kisses it shiny!"


By leopoldij [Ignore] 19,Oct,16 15:49 other posts 
There's a boastful campaigner named Trump
who is doing quite well on the stump.
All his insults and gaffes
only get him more laughs.
Will he wind up a champ or a chump?


By #494374 18,Sep,16 21:59
Donald Trump.... end of joke
By bella! [Ignore] 18,Sep,16 23:52 other posts 
Hillary Clinton....ANOTHER JOKE!
By HunterAce [Ignore] 19,Sep,16 02:43 other posts 
Both,sadly, are great jokes
By routemaster [Ignore] 19,Sep,16 03:09 other posts 
Tony Blair and George W. Bush
By leopoldij [Ignore] 19,Sep,16 07:08 other posts 
Pick two politicians at random, any two, and see if you come up with one that's not a joke or asshole. No fat chance.
By leopoldij [Ignore] 19,Sep,16 07:06 other posts 
And we used to think that Dubya was a joke. In presence of the current candidates, even Dubya was a genius.
By #494374 20,Sep,16 12:43
Thats funny because that's exactly how Trump would respond with his "its not me, it's you" brilliance.


By routemaster [Ignore] 20,Sep,16 02:35 other posts 
There is a young man named Ray
A big fan of nice Doris Day
Judy Garland's a fave
Of Ray's best friend named Dave
No surprise then to find that they're gay

* * * *


By leopoldij [Ignore] 18,Sep,16 13:56 other posts 
A man asks his wife during a 25 marriage anniversary:
- Darling, have you been unfaithful to me?
- Yes, honey, three times.
- When was the first time?
- Do you remember the situation when you went to a bank, but nobody would give you any credit? And finally the CEO of the bank himself signed the credit allowance to you.
- Thanks, darling. And when was the second time?
- Do you remember when you were very ill and nobody would agree to make the surgery for you? And finally the head of the department took care of you?
- Thank you darling, you saved my life. And with whom have you been unfaithful to me for the third time?
- Do you remember when you were a candidate to the position of city mayor and you were missing 36 votes?
--------------------------------------- added after 20 seconds

ha ha


By routemaster [Ignore] 16,Sep,16 17:53 other posts 
There was a young man named Clem
Who really enjoyed FFM
He'd wear the girls out
Then they'd both scream and shout
When he shot his load all over them

* * * * *

There was a gay man named Jim
Who liked lots of assholes to rim
He'd stick in his tongue
In men both old and young
Before they fucked the life out of him

* * * *


By #519963 16,Sep,16 15:14
Of all the things I wish to be
I wish to be a DUCK..
So I might swim along the bank
and watch the people FISH!
_____________________________________________

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
some poems rhyme
and others don't!


By _avg_ [Ignore] 15,Sep,16 00:41 other posts 
A blonde, a redhead and a schnauzer...
Something, something, 'yowzer'...
I forget the rest,
but your mother's a whore.
By bella! [Ignore] 15,Sep,16 01:25 other posts 
Limericks are 5 lines long and this is only 4. Hmmmm.....


By routemaster [Ignore] 15,Sep,16 00:06 other posts 
A bimbo had an appointment at the doctor's. After booking in at reception, the receptionist said: "take a seat". So she picked one up and walked out with it.

* * * *


By mr_blue [Ignore] 31,Jul,16 06:57 other posts 
How do you make a gay guy fuck a woman ?
Shit in her cunt....

-Jimmy Carr-


By routemaster [Ignore] 31,Jul,16 06:51 other posts 
Barrack Obama came to London to visit the Queen. As they rode in a horse drawn carriage down The Mall, waving to the crowds, a horse let one off. It stank to high heaven and both the Queen and Obama held handkerchiefs up to their noses with one hand while continuing to wave to the crowds with the other.
After a couple of minutes, the Queen turned to Obama and said: "I'm ever so sorry, Mr. President, but there are some things even a Queen can't control."
"Oh, that's OK, your Maj," Obama replied, "for a moment I thought it was one of the horses."

* * * * *


By routemaster [Ignore] 06,Jul,16 18:08 other posts 
Bloke went into a cafe, sat down, the waitress came over and he ordered his food. Three hours later he was still sitting there waiting and eventually he shouted at the waitress: "I've been here three bloody hours, where the hell's my food?" "Well, sir," replied the waitress, "you did order an all-day breakfast."



By #496814 06,Jul,16 07:31
When I ckeck into showyourdick
And start to write a lim'rick
Im not worth a dime
When I try to rhyme
'cause bl00d's been flowing to my prick


By #496814 06,Jul,16 05:19
I just woke up with a hard dick
Must have been dreaming about a hot chick
But there is no girl in my bed
God, the horniness drives me mad
And here I am again after one click


By routemaster [Ignore] 05,Jul,16 23:57 other posts 
There is a young lady named Betty
Who isn't gay but very hetty
She fucks lots of men
Then starts over again
Either in bed, on the floor or the settee



By #494374 02,Jul,16 20:47
Trump: "Foreign Policy?, if you mess with the United States, there will be hell toupee."


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