 | We all need a laugh in these austere times and to forget for a while this mad world that we live in and the politicians who ruin it - and to brighten up the winter blues too, unless you're reading this in Australia.
Please add more if you want. Here's a few to start:-
Last month I joined a fisting club. It has really widened my circle of friends.
* * * *
My girlfriend likes it doggy-style. Its great because she fetches my paper and slippers afterwards.
* * * *
Two fat blokes went to the pub. One said to the other: "You're round."
"You can talk, you fat sod," his mate replied.
* * * *
My dentist has just been voted Dental Surgeon of the Year. But all he got was a little plaque.
* * * *
How do you get four gay men on a bar stool?
Turn it upside down.
* * * *
Dr. Watson was bent over a chair stark naked. Sherlock Holmes came up to him and shoved a lemon up his arse.
"Holmes, what are you doing?" screamed Watson.
"A lemon entry, my dear Watson," replied Sherlock.
* * * *
What do you call it when two lesbians in wheelchairs are in the sixty-nine position?
Meals on Wheels.
* * * *
What do you call a group of lesbians in a house full of dildos?
Squatters.
* * * *
From the depths of the crypt at St. Giles
Came a scream that resounded for miles
Said the vicar "Good gracious
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the bishop has piles?"
* * * *
There was a young fellow called Dirk
Who dozed off one day after work
He woke with a scream
When he had a wet dream
And polished it off with a jerk
* * * *
A lady from Texas named Jill
Used dynamite sticks for a thrill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil
* * * * |
you greasy,slimy slut!!
fungus lye's between your thighs
and maggot's chew your butt
before i climb those scraggly legs
and suck your fester'd tits
i'd drink ten gallon's of drunkards puke
and die from the screaming shits!!!
who's clitoris was covered with sores
the dogs on the street
wouldn't eat the green meat
that hung from the holes in her drawers
He kept sticking his nose into everybody else's business.
Who peeked through a hole in a shutter,
All he could see,
Was a prostitute's knee,
And the bum of the chap that was up her!
"Ooh, look!" said the guy, holding up the plastic pussy, "two lips from Amsterdam."
* * * * *
who swallowed a packet of seeds,
within half an hour,
his dick was a flower,
and his balls were all covered with weeds.
I love your thighs
and your thing in-between
Who had an affair with a builder
While getting their kicks
She knocked over his bricks
So he fucked her so hard he near killed her.
* * * *
Who took out a damsel to dinner, to win her.
They sat down to dine
At a quarter to nine,
And at quarter past ten it was in her - the dinner, not Skinner!
There was a young lady called Hilda
Who went for a walk with a builder.
He knew that he could,
And he would and he should
And he did and it bloody near killed her!
There was a young lady from Trent
Who said she knew what it meant
When men asked her to dine
With cocktails and wine ...
Oh, she knew what it meant - but she went!
"Fifty quid," the woman replied.
The vicar walked on and several yards later heard another bloke ask another lady of the night the very same question and get the very same response.
Mystified, as the vicar didn't know what a blowjob was, he decided to stop off at the abbey on the way home and have a word with his friend, the Reverend Mother.
"Reverend Mother, may I ask a question?" he said.
"Of course," the Reverend Mother replied, "fire away."
"What's a blowjob?"
"Fifty quid," the Reverend Mother replied, "same as it is in town."
* * * *
* * * *
Christian Bale.
He was left to his own Devizes.
* * * *
Who bought himself a new Austin
He had room for his ass
And a gallon of gas
But his balls hung out and he lost 'em.
Who went with a girl in a hedge
When along came his wife
With a bloody great knife
And cut off his meat and two veg
* * * *
There was a young girl from Prestatyn
Who decided she'd like to learn Latin
On the way to the class
She slipped on her arse
And swore when she saw what she'd sat in
* * * *
There was a young man named Maurice
And another young man named Boris
One day they arranged
To have their sex changed
And now they're called Ethel and Doris
* * * *
There is a nice lady in Ongar
Whose favourite dance is the conga
But now that she's old
She's not quite so bold
So she dances the conga no longer
* * * *
--------------------------------------- added after 4 hours
There is a young man in Devon
Who has not just one dick but seven
Each day of the week
He can hardly speak
After wanking himself into heaven
* * * *
Christopher Walken.
* * * *
I met my wife at a Singles Bar. Strange as I thought she was at home looking after the k i d s.
* * * *
How do you confuse an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it comes from.
* * * *
Did you hear about the man with five dicks?
His underpants fit like a glove.
* * * *
***********
A man walked into a bar and ask the barmaid " How much for a Slow Confortable Screw?" And she said " $3.50" and I said "Oh, That cheap?"
************
Attention K-Mart Shoppers, There is a pervert running around in woman's underwear.
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