squirrels
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.
A guy walks into a bar and sees a drop dead gorgeous woman sitting at the bar. He sits himself next to her and buys her a drink. She smiles and opens her legs. He can’t believe his luck. He starts to move his hand under her skirt. She smiles, reaches inside her bra and takes a note out. She hands it to the guy.
Note says, when you get to my balls, don’t scream. I’m Elliot Ness under cover.
THIS JUST IN: A cement truck has collided with a prison bus. The prisoners have escaped. Residents are warned to be on the lookout for fifteen hardened criminals!
While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 15 miles per hr over) I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. Naturally, he pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me,"what's the hurry". I replied, "I'm late for work". Oh yeah, said the cop. "What do you do". I said, "I'm a rectum stretcher. The cop said "What"... A rectum stretcher? What does a rectum stretcher do". I said, ""well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand. Then I work until I get both hands in there, and then I slowly stretch it until it's about six foot wide. The cop asked me, "what the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?. I simply replied, "you give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge......" Bail $100 ticket$95. Look on cops face, priceless
A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe. The guy has a pint and then they go to leave the bar when the giraffe suddenly collapses and drops to the floor. The guy carries on walking to the door and the barman shouts, "Oi! You can't leave that lyin' there!"
The guy replies, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
Two fish in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
One day a man, who has been stranded on a desert island fo over ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship." He thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, or even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous brunette women wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and sais to him, "tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replies the stunned man. With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes, he takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and sais, "man oh man! Is that good". "And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" She asks him. Trembling the castaway replies, "ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, and pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask and takes a long drink and says, "wow, that's absolutely fantastic." At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively and asks, " and how long has it been since you've played around?" With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs, " oh sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too?"
A guy goes for a pee and is shocked when the pee sprays out in different directions from some holes that have mysteriously developed along his cock during the night. He's too embarrassed to mention it to anyone and suffers with the problem as best as he can over the next few weeks until he finally builds up enough courage to see a doctor about it.
Doctor: Ok, what can I help you with today?
Guy: Well it's a bit embarrassing to be honest, doctor. I seem to have some new holes on my penis and it's causing me so much trouble as you can imagine. I've been worried about it for weeks now and I'm hoping you can help me, please?
Doctor: Hmmm, interesting. It's something I haven't come across before. Ok, let's have a look and see what we can do.
The guy lowers his trousers and the doctor examines his penis for a few moments, then writes a note and hands it to the guy.
Doctor: Give this man a call. I'm sure he'll be able to help you.
Guy: Oh, is he a specialist in problems to do with the penis, doctor?
Doctor: No, he's a clarinet player and could probably show you how to hold it properly.
You can s.l.e.e.p with a light on... 😉
REALLY! S.L.E.E.P. is cesored...
Asleep
Sleepless
Lesssleep
Sleepy
Sleepful
Sleeplessness
Sleepwalker
Sisterly
Stepsister
Sisterhood
Sistrring
"No," replied the bloke, "I've been ill."
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.
Note says, when you get to my balls, don’t scream. I’m Elliot Ness under cover.
Dragatha Christie
Lesbians dont tip
The guy replies, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
Two fish in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
...sorry
A: Pick him up and suck his dick.
What did the Jewish p.e.d.o.p.h.i.l.e. say to the lil boy?
C'mere lil boy! Gimme some candy...
Snow White's cherry!
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!
Girl: "Wanna hear a joke about my vagina? Nevermind, you won't get it."
Snow White's cherry!
****
*****
Doctor: Ok, what can I help you with today?
Guy: Well it's a bit embarrassing to be honest, doctor. I seem to have some new holes on my penis and it's causing me so much trouble as you can imagine. I've been worried about it for weeks now and I'm hoping you can help me, please?
Doctor: Hmmm, interesting. It's something I haven't come across before. Ok, let's have a look and see what we can do.
The guy lowers his trousers and the doctor examines his penis for a few moments, then writes a note and hands it to the guy.
Doctor: Give this man a call. I'm sure he'll be able to help you.
Guy: Oh, is he a specialist in problems to do with the penis, doctor?
Doctor: No, he's a clarinet player and could probably show you how to hold it properly.
I'm here all week, folks!
* * * *
A l a d y f r i e n d of mine loaned me a waterproof sheet.
I said: "Ta Pauline."
* * * *
Send down four skin divers...
Police are looking into it
Mermaids
So she knitted me another sock
He had a chip on his shoulder.
* * * *
One turns to the other and says "Dam."
Snowballs
Why is there a gate around cemeteries?
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