I have just checked my home insurance policy,
Apparently if my duvet is stolen in the middle of the night, I’m not covered!

A teacher asks each of the kids in her class what they need at home.


Joey said, "A computer."
The teacher replied, "Yes, Joey, that would be very useful."

Jenny said, "A new lawnmower."

The teacher again replied, "Yes, Jenny, that also would be very useful."

Little Johnny popped up and said, "At my house, we don't need anything!"

Shocked because Little Johnny’s family was quite poor, the teacher asked, “Johnny, your family must need something. Everyone needs something.”

Little Johnny replied, "Nope, I'm sure we don't. When Biden was elected, I clearly remember my dad saying, 'Well, that's the last fucking thing we needed!'

Mate, “I have just finished reading a very large book on the entire history of the Japanese empire”
Me, “Can you Samurai-ize it”

Me, “I have invented a thought-controlled air freshener”
Mate, “what, that’s stupid”
Me, “It makes scents when you think about it!”

HUMOR!
NAVY CHIEF'S PRAYER FOR SERENITY!
Lord...grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept.
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill today because they got on my nerves.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today,
as they may be connected to the feet I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me always to give 100% at work...
12% on Monday,
23% on Tuesday,
40% on Wednesday,
20% on Thursday
and 5% on Friday
And help me to remember...
When I'm having a bad day and it seems that people are trying to wind me up,
it takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to extend my arm and smack someone in the mouth!
Amen!

I was having trouble getting out of bed,
so I called the boss and asked if it would be ok to come in late,
he replied “Dream on”,
I thought that was very nice of him!

Every weekend I say to myself, “John, you have to stop drinking so much wine”
Thankfully my name in not John!

I went to a brothel last night. There wasn't one spare prick to be seen.

Me, “I have invented a thought-controlled air freshener”
Mate, “what, that’s stupid”
Me, “It makes scents when you think about it!”

Me, “I brought a new tank for my Fish”
Mate, “Do they like it?”
Me, “I am not sure they can remember long enough, I have showed them 3 times how to drive it, but they are still not interested in having a go”

Mate, “My paper airplanes always rip to shreds”
Me, “Might be your designs are tearable”

Mate, “You drank a quite a lot last night & what’s with all those vet’s empty medication bottles?”
Me, “I did drink quite a bit, in-fact I ended up a little peckish and ate all the cat’s medication”
Mate, “Errr!”
Me, “I know, I know, don’t ask meow”

Daffy Duck call the front desk at the hotel that he's at,
He asks for a condom to be sent to his room,
The person on the desk askes, shall I put it on your bill?

Me, “My dog is licking his balls a lot recently”
Mate, “I wish I could do that”
Me, “I’d rather you just pet him!”

All the men in my city suck. So I outsourced sex to the immigrants.

I got a job at the local Indian restaurant, I had to sign a legal document to say I’d not share the flatbread recipe.
Apparently it’s there standard naan disclosure agreement!

Me, “So what’s the damage Doc”
Doc, “you have broken your leg in 3 places”
Me, “can you show me on a map, so I don’t go there again”

Mate, “I understand scientist’s have managed to weigh a rainbow”
Me, “I bet it was pretty light”

Me: Doctor, I feel I´m invisible. Doctor: Who said that?

Doctor, “I am afraid, you have overdosed on Viagra”
Me, “ guess today is going to be a long hard day!”

Wife, “I hate it how you always twist everything to your advantage”
Me, “ I will take that as a compliment”

I wrote home: ive grown another foot. And my mama knitted me another sock. (This joke doesnt work in metric)

Wife, “I hate it how you always twist everything to your advantage”
Me, “ I will take that as a compliment”

Computer, “Choose a password”
Drummer, “Hi-hat”
Computer, “Password must not contain symbols”

Me, “What do the Eiffel tower & tapeworms have in common?”
Mate, “I have no idea”
Me, “They are both Paris sites”

I told my doctor, I`m obsessed with Tom Jones. He said: it´s not unusual

Mate, “Did you know Alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me, “That’s funny . . . . I have never seen one with more than 4”

“years ago people said I’d never get over my obsession with Phil Collins”
“But take a look at me now”

At any given time, the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”, is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away a whim away.

“years ago people said I’d never get over my obsession with Phil Collins”
“But take a look at me now”

I wondered why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger. But then it hit me

Boss, “I hear some staff are saying I can be condescending”
Me, “Err, wel”
Boss, “that means I talk down to you”

Me, “My credit card was declined at the sweater store”
Wife, “what did you do?”
Me, “I asked if they would try my cardigan!”

Think I know what you mean.

It’s a 5-minute walk from my house to the pub.
It’s a 30-minute walk back from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering!

Mate, “My folded paper plane won’t fly”
Me, “It won’t, it’s stationary”
Mate, “oh well what else can I use”
Me, “Try fly paper”

Mate, "You had your hair cut?"
Me, "Yes about a week ago, I didn't like it as first, as I thought it was too short"
Mate, "Really"
Me, "Yes, but it's growing on me now"

Mate, “ Just done a good deed, helped an old man across the road”
Me, “Good for you, I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person last week”
Mate, “That’s very decent of you”
Me, “ The bus company didn’t, they said as a driver it was irresponsible and fired me”.