A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink
Bartender says “sorry but we don’t serve food here”!

Little boy asked his mum: "mummy, does grandpa sound like a frog?"
"Of course not," replied his mother, "whatever gave you that idea?"
"Well," replied the little boy, "daddy's just said that when grandpa croaks, we're going to go to Disneyland."

Me, “Excuse me, where can I find books about paranoia?”
Librarian, (leans over and whispers in my ear) “THERE BEHIND YOU”!!!

Me, “I got a pet termite, I called it Clint”
Mate, “Why Clint?”
Me, “Because Clint eats wood!”.

wife, “why do you keep torturing me with these bad pun jokes”
.
.
.
Hubby, “every now and then you need a little pun-ishment”

I have been grilling a chicken for 2 hours. . .
It still won’t tell me why it crossed the road!

Mate, “ I have just brought a 12 year old whisky”
Me, “I don’t think their parents will like that”

Little boy came home and said to his mum: "Mummy, I've just been to a strip club."
"Oh you naughty boy," replied his mother, horrified. "Did you see anything you wasn't supposed to?"
"Yeah," replied the little boy, "daddy."

Me, “I spent my entire life’s savings on pasta”
Mate, “That must be a lot of pasta”
Me, “Well it’s worth every penne”

Mate, “did you know the people of Antarctica, rarely get sick, even though it’s so cold?”
Me, “No, but I bet it’s because they are ice-o-lated!”

Me, “It was so cold yesterday my computer froze”
Mate, “you need to keep it warmer!”
Me, “yes, well It was my own fault, I had too many windows open”

Mate, “last night I had a nightmare, I was drowning in an ocean of fizzy orange”
Me, “That was not a nightmare, it was a Fanta sea!”

Me, “ I left school wanting to become a magician”
Mate, “wow, so what went wrong?”
Me, “I failed the exam, they were all trick questions!”

(This does not work in the metric system) I wrote my Mum to say I have grown another foot. So she knitted me another sock.

Me, “hello mate how are you now?”
Mate, “Officially 12 months with out my addiction”
Me, “that’s good, what was it now”
Mate, “chocolate, nuts & marshmallows”
Me, “ well you have done it, but it must have been a Rocky Road!”

JUSTICE is a dish best served cold!
If it were served warm, it would be justwater!!!

A Weasel walks into a bar,
Barman, “what can I get you?”
Weasel, “pop”

My Friend decided to get a face tattoo of his favourite Star Wars character!
You should have seen the Luke on his face 😊

Yesterday I was washing my car with my son
He asked “dad, why can’t you use a sponge?”

what do you get if you multiply the circumference of an apple with it's radius?


Apple Pi

I've often heard that "ICY" is the easiest word to spell

Looking back at it now, I see Why!

Bob and Ted are painting Bob’s fence.
Bob bends down to fill his paint brush from the paint can.
Ted says, “Don’t bend over like that, I’m so horny not even the crack of Dawn is safe!”

Bob and Ted walk into a coffee shop. Bob orders pie and Ted orders coffee. The waitress brings their order,
She comes back in five minutes and asks Bob, “How was the pie?”
Bob says, “I’ve had worse!”
Ted says, “He just can’t remember when!’

Me, “I’m reading a non-friction book at the moment”
Mate, “Don’t you mean non-fiction!”
Me, “No it’s a book about the history of lubricants”

Me, “I have just finished writing my first play, it’s called ‘broken bones’”
Mate, “So whats stopping you putting a show on?”
Me, “I need a cast”

Me, “our office is having internet difficulties”
Computer guy, ”have you tried disabling cookies?”
Me, “well I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man!”

Me, “I tried to catch some fog last night”
Mate, “bet you didn’t”
Me, “correct, I mist !”

What do you call a shit with one eye? Keek

Woman says to her friends " my kids are driving me crazy, I'm going to sell them on eBay" friend replies "fuck that,you made them,sell them on Etsy"

Me, “I once brought a dog from a blacksmith”
Mate, “A blacksmith!”
Me, “As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door!”

What do you call a truckload of vibraters?

Me, “I am reading a book on Stockholm Syndrome”
Mate, “That sound like heavy reading, how are you finding it?
Me, “At first, I hated it, but after a while I am really starting to like it”

Me, “Feeling a little low at the moment”
Mate, “Cheer up, it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water”
Me, “thanks, I know you mean well”

Me, “Every time I take my Labrador to the park, the Duck’s come running and try pecking him”
Mate, “Why do they try pecking your dog?”
Me, “I can only thing it’s because he’s a pure bread!”

Mate, “got home last night to find my kids had been on eBay all day”
Me, “perhaps you should lower the price!”

Why did michael jackson like 28 males.

There were 20 of them.

Mate, “with Halloween just past, who’s your favourite Vampire”
Me, “the one from Sesame Street”
Mate, “he doesn’t count”
Me, “he sure as hell does, seen him go to 10”

What do you call a cowboy with no legs?

A low down bum



The old ones are the best!!!

Mate, “I’ve just written a song about tortillas”
Me, “Sounds like it’s more of a rap to me!”

What is the name of a woman with no legs
Cunts way low of coarse

Me, “name something you have kept from your past”
Mate, “I might be bald, but I kept my Comb”
Me, “I bet you just can’t part with it!”