Me, ‘why do you keep hanging grapes all over your house to dry?’
Mate, ‘why do you care, you don’t live here?’
Me, ‘I have my raisins’

Me, ‘I might have two or three Motown pun’s ready to go’
Mate, ‘Oh my please no more’
Me, ‘Well perhaps Four Tops!’

Wife, “were all going to the beach today, so why the cold sweat?”
Me, “I have a feat of tsunamis”
Wife, “oh you have never mentioned it, how bad is it?”
Me, “Well it comes in waves!”

Me, ‘Why do they need to paly music in the lift, it not even good’
Mate, ‘what is wrong with it?’
Me, ‘It’s just bad on so many levels!’

Me, ‘I once had to work long shifts at a pizza house, to make ends meet’
Mate, ‘money drives the devil, was you delivering?’
Me, ‘Yes and yes, I kneaded the dough’

Two Antennas got married . . . .
The reception was amazing!

Me, ‘my first flat was above a museum, I didn’t stay there long’
Mate, ‘Oh why was that?’
Me, ‘I was told not to dwell on the past!’

Mate, ‘The concert was great’
Me, ‘I sing my best when I am really happy or very sad’
Mate, ‘why is that?’
Me, ‘I’m in-tune with my feelings!’

Mate, ‘that guy just threw his milk at me’
Me, ‘How dairy!’

What are the strongest days
Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays

Me, “My first job was posing as a mannequin in a shop window”
Mate, “Was you any good?”
Me, “Well I held the position for a long time!”

Mate, “Whats up with you?”
Me, “Wife asked me to pass her some lip balm and I gave her some glue by accident”
Mate, “You’re an idiot but she will get over it”
Me, “Well it’s been a week and she’s still not talking to me!”

Me, “Did you know I played the drums as a kid?”
Wife, “No I didn’t”
Me, “I did think about taking it up again but decided not to”
Wife, “well if you do there will be repercussions!”

Mate, “fancy a game of cards?”
Me, “yes but the cards all seem stuck together”
Mate, “Is it going to cause a problem?”
Me, “it’s making them hard to deal with!”

Me, “I really don’t trust atoms”
Mate, “why on earth not?”
Me, “because they make up everything!”

Me, “I don’t like the shoes from a drug store”
Mate, “whats up with them?”
Me, “I am constantly tripping!”

I dreamt, I was eating a huge marshmallow. In the morning my pillow was gone

Me, “Your looking smooth, had your hair done mate?”
Mate, “yes, said to the hairdresser to make me look sexy”
Me, “How much did she need to drink?”

A double mattress was found left on the doorstep of Scotland Yard police HQ in London last night.

As to how it got there, police say at the moment there is no concrete evidence.

Mate, “My favourite movie is, ‘the hunt for the Red October’”.
Me, “I don’t like movies with sub titles”.

Mate, “why are you lipping?”
Me, “new shoes”
Mate, “so whats wrong?”
Me, “I think one is . . . not right!”

A friend said "I am afraid of the calendar".

Me 'Why"

Friend 'It's days are numbered"!

Me, “looks like we’re in for a spell of really bad weather”
Mate, “like what?”
Me, “ the forecast is, rane, hale, drissle, thundre, litnin, and frizzing culd!”

Me, “I once had an addiction to doing the Hokey Pokey”
Mate, “however did you manage to stop?”
Me, “I turned my self around!”

I really see myself in my new job at the mirror factory

Me, “How do crows stick together in a flock?”
Mate, “Oh no another pun, go on tell me”
Me, “Velcro”
Mate, “I can do better than that!”
Me, “Well Toucan play at that game!”

NEWS FLASH: A prison bus and a cement truck have collided. The prisoners have escaped and the public is warned to be on the look out for seventeen hardened criminals!

Rishi Sunak got into a fight outside the Houses of Parliament. His injuries are not life-threatenting but he now has a badly disfigured face with the eyes to the left and the nose to the right.

Mate, “the bloke over their recons his mate can throw a ball for his dog so far it takes the dog 15minuets to come back”.
Me, “Sounds a bit farfetched to me”.

What did the copper say to the thief with three heads?

"'ello, 'ello, 'ello."

A large mirror stolen from a country house was left outside the doors of Scotland Yard police HQ in London last night.

Police say they are looking into it.

What do you call a cowboy with no legs?

A low-down bum.

Me, “Some sod has stolen all the lamps from my room”
Mate, “I bet that made you mad”
Me, “What do you think I’m de-lighted!”

What do you call an angry French aunt?
I don’t know, what?
A Crossaunt!

Me, “Did you know, there is only one thing that makes a good Pizza joke?”
Mate, “ Dough-know!!”
Me, “HaHa, no it’s the delivery!”

A man walks into a pub and sees this hot slutty woman tending the bar. Above the bar there are 2 signs:

"Grilled Cheese Sandwhich: $7.50"

and

"Handjob: $40"

The man goes over to the bar, and asks the bartender: "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

The bartender nods and bites her lip seductively.

The man says: "Then wash your hands, bitch, cause I want a grilled cheese sandwich."

A lorry load of VapoRub has rolled over on the motorway.
There has been no reports of congestion for 8 hours!

Two guys playing golf.
First guy looking ahead at the two ladies playing in front: Oh my God, it´s my wife and my mistress!
Second guy looks and says: Oh no, mine too!

Mate, “why is this room feeling so cold?”
Me, “why not join me here in the corner”
Mate, “why will that help?” Me, "yes because it’s 90 degrees”