A grenade tossed into a kitchen in France, would result in a condition known as Linolium Blownapart!

An angel asked God what he was doing. "Making Canadians" he said.

"Ah, they're so nice" said the angel.

"Oh yeah, watch this" God said as he dropped a hockey puck.

A rubber-band pistol was seized from an algebra classroom because it was a weapon of math disruption.

A young associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room of the law firm. After months of the social isolation that comes from eighty hour work weeks, the associate was happy to reciprocate. However, when asked by a friend to identify the lover, the associate was puzzled.
"All I know for sure is that it was a partner -- I had to do all the work."

I asked the wife, “Shall we switch positions tonight?”
She replied, “That’s a great idea. You stand by the ironing board and I’ll lie on the sofa and fart!”

A man received an invitation to a polka party.
The host said to dress accordianly.

A man goes into a grocery store and buys an apple, a banana and two eggs. The female cashier says "you must be single".

The man answers "Wow, how did you know that?"

Cashier: "Because you're ugly".

A man received the following text from his neighbor:
“I am so sorry Charlie. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, more than you. I’m not getting any at home, but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t happen again.”
The man, anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in: “Damn auto-correct. I meant ‘Wi-Fi’ not ‘wife’.”

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it
--------------------------------------- added after 5 hours

She was only a whiskey maker but, I luv’d her still.
--------------------------------------- added after 7 hours

No matter how hard you push an envelope, it will still be stationery 😄😄

What did ET's mum say to him when he got home?
"Where on earth have you been?"

* * * *

I couldn't remember how to throw a boomerang. But it eventually came back to me.

* * * *

What do you call 6 weeks of rain in Scotland?#
Summer.

* * * *

A horse is recovering after an operation. The vet says its in a stable condition.

* * * *

Did you hear about the archaeologist who got the sack?
His career lies in ruins.

* * * *

I found an old newspaper the other day with a report that Madonna tore her expensive new dress when she fell down some stairs at a Brit Awards ceremony. She blames the material girl.

* * * *

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

* * * *

How do horse enjoy summertime?
They make neigh while the sun shines.

* * * *

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.

* * * *

What do you call a line of men waiting for a haircut?
A barber queue.

* * * *

I met my wife at a Singles Bar. Strange, as I thought she was at home looking after the kids.

* * * *

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?

Just left Walmart where a lady with a basket full of TP asked me what kind of dog I had. I said a service dog. Very rudely she yells what type of service? I said he is a BLD. What's a BLD? She asked as she is allowing my dog to lick her face. With a straight face I said "He is my butt licking dog ( BLD ). I can't find any toilet paper anywhere because of people like you hoarding the TP so he licks my ass clean...... The cashier lost it and walked away from the register.

what did the blind man say to the other blind man?...........long time no see lmao

How much coke can Charlie Sheen do?

Enough to kill 2 1/2 men.

FIRST TIME SEX
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'
The boy turns, and whispers back,
'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

You know "that look" that women get when they want sex? Me neither.

-Steve Martin

I used to tell a great joke about Orpheus and Eurydice. Looking back, not a great idea!

Little Johnny gets caught playing doctor with the neighbour girl.
Dad doesn’t approve thinking Johnny is on track to knock up a young teen in a few years.
“Johnny, you know that girls have teeth down there?
“What, are you lying?”
“Nope, you need to keep clear of that business son”

Years later in high school Johnny starts dating a girl but after some time she starts wondering why Johnny hasn’t tried to take things to the next level.
“Johnny, are you attracted to me? We’ve been together for months and you haven’t tried sleeping with me yet. Is something wrong?”
Johnny replies, “When I was younger, my dad told me that girls have teeth, you know, down there.

“That’s silly”, she says, “let me show you”. So she starts to strip from the waist down, lies back and spreads her legs. “See! No teeth!”

Johnny looking horrified says “ Well no wonder! Look at the state of your gums!!!”

I think my neighbour is spying on me,

When I was looking across the street through the gap in his curtains last night from my balcony with my huge night-vision telescope, I had the feeling that my name was on his computer screen but I´m not sure

A Man is buying one banana, two bread rolls and a small bottle of milk in the supermarket.
The cashier says: You´re single aren´t you
Him: Wow, how did you know?
Cashier: Because you´re very ugly

I´ve been diagnosed with Cheddar Cheese Illness. But so far, it´s mild

Did you know there were gay bars in the wild west?

Well, the bar doors swun both ways!

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed.

"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.

The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station.

Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

I've just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse,he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely
Are my test results back

From Phart:

A unofficial research study has concluded that a woman can be satisfied by only 3.25 inches. Yep,you read that right, 3.25 inches.
Don't beleive me, measure your credit cards length before you hand it to her.

What's the difference between an ugly woman and a beautiful one?
Two stiff drinks.

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?


One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

What's better than eating a mandarin.?
Eating Amanda out

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school. The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, "Shit!" "Mom, what is shit?" and she says, "Perfume." So he goes to see his dad (who is carving a chicken), and his dad cuts himself and yells, "Fuck!" The boy asks, "Dad, what does fuck mean?" and dad says "preparing." Then he follows his dad upstairs. A few minutes later his mom and dad are about to have sex when his dad says, "Where are the condoms?" The little boy asks, "What are condoms?" and his father says, "Condoms are coats and jackets." The following night his father invites over some important business clients. The boy opens the door for them and says, "Hello! Please come in, Bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is downstairs fucking the chicken.

Mom: Remember the rule: if a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop".

Girl: Yes mom, I never forget, I'm doing that. He touched both so I said "don't stop" 

An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"

A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

A bimbo was on a coach tour of Scotland and just north of Edinburgh, the courier pointed out the world-famous Forth Bridge.
"Very nice," said the bimbo, "but where's the First, Second and Third?"

***

Father Christmas climbed out the chimney and saw two gay men in the nude having sex. One was bent over while the other was holding on to the first guy's ass, steadying him into position.
Seeing this, Father Christmas exclaimed: "Ha! Bum Hug."

***

Hypnotist goes to an old folks home , where theres about 150 residents in the room . He says I'm not your average magician , Most bring 1 or 2 or maybe 5 people out of the audience, me I'm gonna hypnotize all of you at the same time . There was laughter and skepticism. The man pulls out an antique gold pocket watch and slowly swings it back and forth and says you’re getting sleepy , you’re eyes are getting heavy, you’re getting sleepy . He drops the gold pocket watch on the floor and it breaks into 1000 pieces . He says oh crap ! Took them 3 days to clean and air out the room . 😂 if you like the joke let me know .

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"

once l farted in an elevator,
it was wrong on so many levels
*lix*

l once met a girl with 12 nipples
sounds funny......dozen tit *lix*